I’m Bloody Broke!

Yo. I’m so broke. All I’ve eaten in the past few days is moldy bread. Even though the mold adds flavor, aren’t vampires supposed to be rich or something? I’m too lazy to go hunt for human blood, so I have no choice but to eat this crappy human food. This sucks. I need a job.

I reach for the curtains on my cardboard shelter and pull them open, only to feel an overwhelming sensation of myself burning to death. I sigh, and close them again. Maybe I’ll go job hunting at night.

I was born crying in a stack of hay from my mother. I had no hair, and I couldn’t speak. It was horrible. They (the cosmic forces) were all watching me, ostracizing me. I had no clothes on. Man, that sucked. My mother abandoned me on the streetside next to the cinder piles, since she had twelve other kids she was unable to feed. It smelled really bad, and I was hungry. Because of how malnourished I was, I became pale and skinny. The only way I could get food was by begging on the roadside for bread. One day, while I was sitting there, as per usual, an old lady came up to me.

“Wow, kid, you’re the palest vampire I’ve seen,” she said. “Are you lost, pal? I’ll take you back to vampire headquarters!”

I didn’t understand what she said, nor could I speak, but she looked like she would give me food, so I happily nodded. She scooped me up and started sprinting at a hundred miles per hour. Soon, we arrived at a dark, emo-looking castle in the middle of nowhere. The old lady and I entered the building, and she looked around. 

I was very upset because she still had not given me food, so I began to wail loudly. After an hour, she gave up trying to find my parents and brought me to her house. For a week, she fed me normal human food because she assumed that was what I was used to. Only on the eighth day, when she tried to feed me blood for the first time, and I kicked her in the face, did she notice something was off.

“That kick was so pathetic. There’s no way you’re a vampire. Shoot… I brought a human into vampire HQ…” She scooped me up again, and we pulled up to the vampire authorities.

“Ma’am, with all due respect, a.k.a. none… are you slow? Who in their right mind would pick up a random child from the streets and just say, ‘Oh, he’s probably a vampire; let me bring him to VAMPIRE HQ, a TOP SECRET FACILITY!!’ Are you stupid? Son, how are you here…?”

“So like… what do we do now…?”

The authorities got together in a tight little circle and started whispering like they were spilling tea. After a long, long time, they turned back around. 

“Aight, so like we have a magic wand here that can turn him into a vampire, like bippity boppity boo! It, like, totally works…! So yeah, here goes....”

All the vampires shouted in unison. “BIPPITY BOPPITY BOO!!” And yeah, I became a vampire!!

After a few hours, night has finally fallen upon the town. I cautiously push open the door of my cardboard box house, and I walk out. The wind is nice, breezing through my white-black hair. The moment I step onto the yellow tiles of the town path, a piece of paper carried by a gust of wind smacks me in the face.

My eyes scan over the paper and light up in excitement as I read the bold letters at the top: “HIRING.” In the details, it read, “Actor needed for Dracula. Urgent.”

Wow! It’s almost like this job was made for me! I continue reading and find that the auditions are… during the day? In an outdoors plaza????? Oh no. Oh no, no, no. No, no. Don’t do that to me. I’m going to be burnt to a crisp. Those big corporations are going to collect my ashes for makeup products. It’s so over.

Just then, it begins to rain. Are we serious? I don’t even have an umbrel—

Wait. I’m a genius! I can just go outside with a sun umbrella. I hurry back to my cardboard box clutching my precious piece of paper and instantly pass out into sleep.

The next day, I wake up bright and early, slipping into my best clothes (a black t-shirt without stains and pants) and sliding my lucky 1944 steel penny into my pocket. I put on socks that cover the gap between my pants and my shoes, and I head out with an umbrella.

I tilt my umbrella up a little, and I hear a loud sizzle. My arm instinctively pulls the umbrella closer, and I begin inching little by little towards the audition.

When I arrive at the plaza, I see about a dozen other guys, all with ghostly pale skin. I sigh deeply. This is going to be difficult. My only advantage, taken away from me with the powers of powder! As they start acting, I am awed by how inaccurate it was. I have never gone to a ball before, nor did I live in a castle. I have only ever eaten at McDonald’s…. 

Finally, it is my time to shine. I begin to do the worm while balancing my umbrella, and all the directors’ jaws drop. I then start singing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, and one of the directors whispers something to a bulky figure in black. The figure comes towards me and begins to… drag me away?

“No!” I scream. I struggle against their grip, kicking and flailing my legs. It seems to work somewhat, so I intensify my counter-attack with my hands. Just then, I feel a sizzling sensation on my skin, and I realize I am no longer holding the umbrella.

“AHHHHHH!” My skin feels like it’s burning! Why isn’t anyone helping? I look around in my pain to see the directors writing down notes and saying things along the lines of: “Yeah, it’s whatever. Worst performance I’ve ever seen.” I look down at myself and see that I am, in fact, not burning…? I look around in confusion as everyone other than the directors gives me a standing ovation.

A week later, I get a visit to my cardboard box asking me to be Dracula in a show. I am praised for my realistic enactment of pain. I am no longer jobless.