Humor

Hundsness Changes Jupiter Ed

The creator of Jupiter Ed plans to drastically change the grading platform into an educational icebreaker website in an attempt to bridge generational gaps.

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David Hundsness, the founder of Jupiter Ed, recently posted the rationale behind his official plan to make major changes to Jupiter Ed on Facebook. Here’s a copy of his post:

“As the creator of Jupiter Ed, I have worked my hardest to improve this platform over a span of more years than most students have lived. Jupiter Ed’s constant improvement has never stagnated as a result of my hard efforts, though at the cost of my own health. It used to make me ecstatic to know that this platform has successfully served millions of kids throughout the U.S. (except Alaska, since only oil farmers live there). However, this feeling of accomplishment is fading beneath the bad user reviews fueled by COVID-19 pandemic complications.

“After reviewing just a handful of the reviews, hand-picked with a random number generator, it’s clear that there’s a split between teachers and students that must be mended. What we need during this tumultuous time is unity, just like the unity President Biden preached in his inaugural speech. And these changes will be carried out with all of the agility and vigor our President displays.

“From now on, there won’t be JunoPods. Rather, each class session is coupled with a ‘Jolly Pod’ that opens up a class thread for students and teachers to comment on. This means that a student will no longer see a stressful bundle of present and previous assignments. This simple format is designed to preserve the sanity of elderly educators and prevent teachers from selling individual student work to Russian GRU officers, who seek to defame the U.S. education system.

“The age of individual assignments and student grades has ended. Instead, a teacher simply posts questions pertaining to class in a Jolly Pod, and their students each select an answer. At the end of a session, teachers are graded by the percentage of their questions that have a majority of students picking the right answer. This grade, called the teacher appraisal, is e-mailed to parents every day.

“If a majority of students pick an incorrect answer, Jupiter sets a timer of five minutes, and the teacher gives a boring and lengthy explanation for the correct answer. However, if a majority of the students wind up picking the right answer, Jupiter displays a personal topic for a teacher to discuss with the students for the next five minutes as an entertaining community-building exercise. Students are encouraged to post comments and questions in the stream. If fewer than 20 student comments are made in that five minute period, a teacher loses five percentage points from their teacher appraisal grade. This grade may possibly turn negative.

Here are a few sample Jupiter Ed prompts for teachers:

- What was your favorite ‘nerdy’ kid character design from a 1980s film?

- What are your thoughts on most families today only having one TV remote? Tell us about how you used to have more than five remotes, most of which probably didn’t function.

- Do you find the way kids text today displeasing? Should they continue texting with their thumbs or should they slacken the speed and use their pointer finger only?

- What are your thoughts on present-day reading diversions?

- What are your thoughts on the issue of underfunded nursing homes in America? Require or encourage students to volunteer in nursing centers or make students spread awareness on this issue!

- In what ways do you incorporate fiber into your diet? Make sure to chronicle the profound impact it has had in your life and the importance of maintaining a regular digestive schedule.

- Ask your students to make you read a loveable WEBTOON or Wattpad story chapter.

- Request your students to send you some ‘Karen memes’ and give them instances where you’ve met a ‘Karen’ yourself.

- Express your newfound love of tonic water.

- Describe at length your role in Project MKUltra.

I look forward to new criticisms and suggestions from the users I overwork myself to serve.”

As it seems, Jupiter Ed is now an icebreaker platform instead of the grading platform it used to be. Would you rather have a class focused on the material itself being taught or a teacher’s personal stories and experiences? Has the education system fallen so low that Stuyvesant students will have to purposefully give wrong answers and leave teachers at the mercy of their parents in the interest of their education? Or will this provide a never before seen era of happy teenagers?