How to Win Senior Assassin

A guide to surviving senior assassin.

Reading Time: 2 minutes

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By Aries Ho

Step 1: Stealth is key. It is essential that you conceal every inch of skin on your body. Despite 90 degree weather, you must wear long sleeves, a hoodie to protect your neck, long socks, and long pants (extending past the shoe). Make like a naked mole rat and pull the drawstrings on the hoodie all the way to conceal your identity completely. Layering up in the heat will only serve to your advantage: as you begin to sweat profusely, you will become slippery and can avoid your assassin more easily. If you’re feeling frisky, invest in a Hazmat suit. Not only will you stay unidentified, but you’ll look fashionable as hell.

Step 2: Be prepared. Carry at least 15 highlighters on your body at all times and keep your eyes peeled. If necessary, sign up for some ninja classes led by none other than Mr. Quang; he will be extremely delighted to educate you on how to climb walls and scale the ceilings. Wearing a ninja costume to school and prancing around the hallways never hurt anybody—dressing for the occasion is always important.

Step 3: Always vary your schedule. NEVER show up to class on time and NEVER leave a class on time (not that you did before). Keep in mind that the other players are also time-constrained, which you can use to your advantage. Second-term seniors have classes to cut and tests to make up; they clearly don’t have all day for games and shenanigans.

Step 4: Use your surroundings. If you are in the hallway and beginning to suspect that an assassin is about to make her move, grab the nearest teacher and use him as a human shield. If that option is far from reach, enter the closest classroom. If you’re given a questioning look by the teacher or the students, allow them to carry on and let them know that you’re there to learn. Who knows, it might just be the class you were cutting!

Step 5: A quick getaway. If you think you are being followed, pretend you’re Daniel Kaluuya in Get Out and, as the movie title suggests, get out of there faster than you dropped that elective last term. Show track what they missed out on. One of the quickest escapes is through the secret halal cart vent on the 11th floor (you didn’t hear that here), and bingo—you’re out of their pursuit and in a whole new world of lamb over rice deliciousness.

Step 6: Know the right time to make your move (and no, I'm not talking about promposals). Like the wild lion in the African savanna, waiting to pounce on an unsuspecting gazelle, you must slowly creep up on your victim without inciting suspicion. If necessary, get down on all fours to avoid attention and make your way to your target. Once you are within the required distance of your victim for the kill, wait until he senses your presence—then deal the final blow and walk off in celebration as you establish your role as the alpha.

Step 7: The best defense is a good offense. It is critical to arm yourself properly—invest in a military grade paintball gun and harness the skills you’ve been developing for four years: sneaking contraband items into school. Learn up by watching all 57 “Mission: Impossible” movies, play the theme song to hype yourself up, and go get ‘em, tiger.