How to Treat Your Vertically Challenged Peers: The Official Guide

Exclusive advice on tall person etiquette, from the combined experiences of a tall person and a short person!

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By Stefanie Chen

WASSUP MY BOIS! Us! Haha, we are up. It’s your resident tall peeps here, and we are BACK! Today, we’re here to share tips on how to make our (unfortunately) short(er) friends feel appreciated for who they are! Short and tall people alike, keep your undivided attention on the following words of wisdom—they’ll change your life. Without further ado, let’s get to it! 

Give Up the High Ground

It’s common knowledge that short people have internal crises every day about their height, or lack thereof. So, to make your vertically challenged friends feel better, stand a step below them on the escalator ride to your next class! They’ll finally get to experience the joys of being tall (provided they don’t get sick from the sudden altitude change). Of course, this effect will only last until the escalator ride is over, and if the escalator breaks down while they’re on it, they’ll tumble down and likely break multiple bones after falling from a greater height than usual. Eh, all calculated risks, you know?

Oh, and one more thing… if your friend is somehow still shorter than you while being a step up… just give up on them. Believe me, it’s a lost cause.

Let the Short Folks Sit in the Front

Have you ever had to deal with those in front of you blocking your vision of the board? For tall people, there’s an easy fix: just sit up even straighter than the person in front of you. Unfortunately, it’s not that easy for vertically challenged people. They either have to crane their necks (further damaging neck muscles that are already strained from looking up at people they’re talking to), or bend into the aisle to see the board (which risks the highly embarrassing slipping-off-the-seat scenario if they bend too far over). This problem can be solved by allowing short people to sit in the front, just like during those awful fifth-grade class photos that you were inevitably forced to pose for. The next time your teacher asks if anyone is willing to switch seats with someone from the back (who evidently can’t see the board), be sure to volunteer! Not only will this allow them to finally see the board and understand the material, but it’ll also allow you to escape the teacher’s prying eyes and finish that Valorant game that you decided to start five minutes before the period!

Jump Those Turnstiles! 

With the delay in the student MetroCard delivery, jumping the turnstiles has become a popular daily exercise. Unfortunately, short people simply cannot pull off this maneuver. When they try, they just bang their heads on the turnstiles (no idea how that could happen, but never underestimate the peculiar powers of short people). Worse yet, if they try to jump over the turnstiles, they trip and gain some emotional damage in the process. This is exactly why tall people must demonstrate how to effectively jump the turnstiles! Teaching the small children this simple tactic will save them MULTIPLE dollars every day (provided they don’t get caught jumping and are forced to pay the $100 fine), so honestly, they should thank you by buying you boba or coffee (or better yet, both!) every day. 

When demonstrating how to jump the turnstiles, be sure to elongate your legs to the fullest extent. The sight of those perfectly proportional limbs will motivate your friends, and anyone else who may be  watching your flawless execution, to go to the nearest gym and work those thighs. Who needs a motivational gym coach when they have you to look up to (figuratively and literally)? 

Get Down on One Knee and Kneel

Yes, you read that right. Get down and kneel before your short friends. No, it is not supposed to be a proposal. Get your mind out of the gutter; just because it’s cuffing season doesn’t mean everything is about love. Delulu is NOT the solulu.

Anyway, research has shown that constantly looking up strains your neck muscles and causes an exponential decrease in height as you age. Imagine the detrimental effects of that on your already-short friends! Do them a favor and get down to their level. Or better yet, kowtow to ensure you will be well below their line of sight so they’ll finally feel like they’re the taller one. 

With these tricks, you’ll be sure to win the favor of your shorter friends, who previously knew nothing but aggressive head pats and awkward, uneven hugs from people 10 miles taller than them. And remember—Gru stole the moon with his Minions. Imagine what you could do with your OWN army of Minions. That being said, be sure to hit that like and subscribe button for more useful tips! Peace out.