How to Spice up Your “Drill” Experience

Lately, there have been an unprecedented number of emergency protocols, and we’re here to tell you how to make the most of them.

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By Veronika Duvanova

The last few weeks have been hectic, in more than a few ways. Of course, normal Stuyvesant life is hectic in itself, but a surprising number of emergency protocols have disrupted the daily routine. A few weeks ago, the entire school was put on hold. Everyone sat listlessly in their second-period classes, eating up any absurd explanation for the circumstances, like Moran body slamming a Techie who tried to sneak into Stuyvesant. A week later, there was an evacuation “drill.” For almost two full periods, students huddled together by the Hudson River, trying (and failing) to ignore the gnawing cold and the prospect of losing their lunch periods. Tears fell, gym uniforms froze, and bacon avocado chipotles were left uneaten. Clearly, these protocols will become a more permanent part of the Stuyvesant lifestyle, and it is critical that students have a game plan for such events in the future. As such, the Humor Department has compiled a comprehensive list of various activities that might make their new “life on the edge” slightly more entertaining.

In the event of an evacuation:

Conga Line!

Last evacuation, some genius decided to make a conga line and will now forever be immortalized in the Humor Hall of Fame. For the next evacuation, we suggest a challenge: see how long the conga line can last. Given the fact that the evacuation will probably last forever, you should prepare to be in that line for a while. Keep calm and conga on!

Swimming Race

I know what you’re thinking: how on Earth would you start a swimming race while standing outside of Stuyvesant? Well, you’ll be next to the Hudson for a few hours. May as well take advantage of it! You’ll be freezing either way, so take a dip and see what happens.

Bend the Rules

There’s a decent chance that you just came from a test. You remember question 21, the one you were really struggling with? Well, it couldn’t hurt to just ask your friends about it… or maybe look up some clarifying details… Hey, it’s not cheating if the test is over!

Start a Revolution

You’re finally free! Are you really going to go back into the building when you’ve been given this incredible chance to rebel? Follow the example of the French Revolution and take down the monarchy, Les Mis style. Or, in this case, the Stuyvesant staff.

All these tips and tricks given to you so far will probably save your sorry lives. However, there’s a chance you’ve found yourself in a hold, not an evacuation. In that case, you can’t make a conga line, and you certainly can’t host a swimming competition. Instead, you’ll need to take one of these suggestions:

Do Your Homework

Now, we do not normally condone this sort of sensibility, but given that it’s a special situation, we’ll allow it. Take out the homework that you forgot to do last night and make the most of your new free period. This is what Opinions writers call being Responsible and Humor writers call being Boring.

Spread Rumors

A “drill” wouldn’t be a “drill” if it weren’t accompanied by a torrent of baseless rumors. Do your part and help them multiply! You can tell your friend that one of the chemistry labs exploded, or that a mysterious gas leak from the office building next door caused the teachers to become fish. Take out your phone, text your friend the latest news, and watch it spread like COVID.

Demand Immediate Grading

Since you’ll be hanging out with your math teacher for who knows how long, you should make them grade that test they gave you a month ago. They can’t escape it now!

Blackboard Art

Whether you’re in science, math, or English, there’s a blackboard in your classroom. Blackboards are all-purpose tools—you can write on them, draw on them, and even play tic-tac-toe on them! Feel free to use those blackboards to express your deepest hopes and desires, and make sure your art will distract the classes to come. You shall become Michelangelo and the blackboard your Sistine Chapel. [sponsored by the Stuyvesant blackboards]

Hopefully, you’ve found these suggestions eye-opening and insightful. It’s impossible to know when the next “drill” will come, but whenever it does, you’ll be ready with your bathing suits, axes, and chalk.