How to Ruin AP Season

It is an ordinary day during AP season. The students lurking in Stuyvesant’s halls are quiet, downcast, and subdued. They glance at the sixth-floor gym with fear flashing in their eyes. It’s not their turn today, but it might be tomorrow… or the day after… who can say? Soon enough, they will be locked into that stuffy, school-sanctioned dungeon, left at the College Board’s mercy for three hours straight. How will they survive?

The fourth-period bell rings. The halls fill with movement and noise, but they know it won’t last long. Or so they think…

Deep in Stuyvesant’s underbelly—that is, the senior atrium—someone is playing Brawl Stars. They’re doing more than playing—they’re losing. They’re raging. They’re throwing their phone on the floor, and it’s broken in half! Everyone crowds around, filming excitedly, and suddenly, their hearts stop. The phone is on fire.

The fire alarms clang throughout the building. What promised to be a silent, fear-inducing AP season morning has turned into a chaotic mess. Students stream out of the building, the scent of smoke still tickling their noses. The AP Mandarin and AP Environmental  Science students exchange thrilled glances (and test answers). Delighted chatter floats into the air.

However, the disruption only lasts for 10 minutes before they recede back into the building. The AP students return to their tests, and the disappointment in the air is palpable. 

Firstly, the Humor Department would like to commend the madman who caused an evacuation during AP season. Clearly, they had their priorities straight: ruining the College Board’s endeavors should always be #1. But we would also like to note that despite its ingenuity, the Brawl Stars distraction failed. A few minutes after it began, it was over. Nothing changed.

While causing phone fires is a creative way to disrupt AP season, we must ensure that future AP seasons are spoiled both creatively and effectively. As such, the Humor Department has compiled a list of methods, all of which should come in handy for the upcoming year.

1. Start an actual fire.

Creating one phone fire is all very well and good, but why stop there? Throw that phone in some flammable garbage! Break another phone, or better yet, another two! Take phones from the hands of your classmates (and Mr. Moran’s office) and chuck them all over the school! If you want an evacuation that lasts, you need to commit to real arson. Start a real fire, and the AP test-takers will thank you for eternity.

1. Hack the speakers.

We know you’re all CS nerds with no lives. You should put those skills to use! Figure out how the Stuyvesant speakers are wired and hack into them. Then, as the proctors declare that “you may begin,” make use of your backdoor. Imagine this: hundreds of AP students look up, terrified, as the speakers boom at a hundred times their normal volume. “THE FITNESSGRAM PACER TEST IS A MULTISTAGE AEROBIC CAPACITY TEST THAT PROGRESSIVELY GETS MORE DIFFICULT AS IT CONTINUES.” It’s a beautiful scene.

1. Paint the walls.

The day before APUSH, get together a like-minded crew and walk throughout the halls with buckets of paint and brushes. Paint names, events, and dates on every available surface. The gym, the library, the bathrooms—you name it! Yes, that includes your friend’s backpack. And your friend. If all the answers are written on the walls, APUSH will be as good as canceled.

1. Do it the old-fashioned way.

Don’t worry about hacking speakers or painting walls; just burst into the gym during a test, scream at the top of your lungs, and steal a couple of scantrons. Sure, you might get banned from College Board exams, but that’s really a bonus.

We feel confident that these suggestions will be useful before long, and we’re excited to see what the Stuyvesant student body will do with them in the future!