How to NOT Give Yourself a Break During Summer Break 101
Principal Yu-get-no-break assigns an even more atrocious, miserable summer homework assignment—but it’s okay, Professor Chen to the RESCUE!
Reading Time: 3 minutes
“ATTENTION ALL STUDENTS!” A scratchy, high-pitched voice booms from the loudspeaker. Oh no, it’s Principal Yu-get-no-rest. “To protect the school from devastation, to break all boundaries within Stuy-nation, this year, there will be NO DELTAMATH SUMMER HOMEWORK!” WOOO! You and your math classmates jump up from your seats and start twerking. “BUT the summer homework for this year is… to drown yourself in as many activities as possible and record it in your Stuyvesant 2023-2024 planner until you pass out! Or you get a month of detention!” You freeze on your desk after having celebrated too early. Does Principal Yu-will-burn-out actually mean what he’s saying? you wonder. All of a sudden, an e-mail notification pops up on your phone, confirming the news. “Just because there will be no Deltamath homework, doesn’t mean there will be no equally exhausting homework at all!” Principal Yu-will-be-depressed says excitedly over the loudspeaker.“Ahh sh—” you hear your classmate say as you all collectively regret choosing Stuy.
Now, you’re probably panicking (because who knows I might’ve just given Principal Yu ideas). But don’t worry, even if this actually happens, Professor Karen Chen has got your back. With a Ph.D. in lack of self-care, Professor Chen will save you from the “chill break” stealer. With a whopping five activities, here is everything you can do this summer (or school year) to NOT give yourself a break so Principal Yu-say-that-yu-are-fine-but-yu-not-really-fine can’t send you to detention!
- One summer program? Nooo. Two? Yessss.
You heard me right. Not one, but TWO summer programs at the same time—the more, the merrier. Bonus points if one of them is at MIT. You thought you could get away from learning over the summer? Don’t even think about it. As it’s MIT, you can expect LOTS and LOTS of projects and assignments with even worse—I MEAN, better deadlines than Stuy, of course. But hey, at least you are now Principal Yu-will-not-be-okay’s favorite student. Congrats!
- Bye-bye debt. Hellooo $$$!
What better way to prove to your parents that you are financially responsible and will not get scammed or be broke in the future than to start your own business? Sure, you’ll be smelling cardboard every day from the number of coffee beans you’ll have to pack into boxes (for sleep-deprived students), but you’ll be making money and making Principal Yu-are-physically-broken proud, at least. No more sucking up to your parents to get an allowance, you’ve got your own.
- Occupation: Part-Time Student, Full-Time Housewife
If the small business fails, it’s okay. You can also become wealthy by stealing from your parents’ wallets– I mean, by serving your parents. In other words, becoming a footstool for your lovely parents. As Asian parents like to say, “Why you need a part time job when we work you at home? You go do this, I pay you five dollars.” The chores for you to do are so plentiful that you’ll be rich and drowning yourself in activities in no time.
- MOOO! New Occupation: Animal Abductor—I mean, Farmer
If you don’t want to be a footstool, that’s okay, too. You can apply to be a farmer in the countryside. Bring them your scientific report on cows and chickens from AP Environmental Science and WA-LA—you will get the job in no time. You can “not give yourself a break” and also become rich from taking care of the farm animals. While you’re at it, go steal some chickens! You’ve earned it. Whole Foods is low on chicken after everyone kept stealing them. You should also consider donating some chickens to Karentucky Fried Chenkin. I recommend enjoying your chicken with the cow milk you got—the best food combination ever.
- Program Office * Tryharding = Graduating early = No Principal Yu-want-to-cry
We saved the best and most important activity for last: self-studying every subject you ranked but didn’t get because the program office failed you once again! Or because the assistant principal didn’t think you were smart enough for it. But hey, who knows, maybe you’ll be able to graduate early so you never have to experience Principal Yu-will-pass-out’s wrath—I mean, most amazing, wonderful homework—ever again.
If none of these work out, it just means you have a skill issue. At that point, you should just give into the one month of detention. But no suing Professor Karen Chen. On top of being a professor with a Ph.D. in lack of self-care, Karen is also the CEO of KFC (Karentucky Fried Chenkin). Suing Professor Karen Chen = no more free chicken drumsticks. You definitely wouldn’t want that. Best of luck in avoiding your one-month detention!
About the Author:
Karen Chen is the Professor of Lack of Self-Care at the University of Stuyvesant. She has a Ph.D. in the field and is the CEO of Karentucky Fried Chenkin (KFC). In her free time, Karen likes to scam—I mean, help and protect her beloved readers.