How To Get Adopted By A Rich Manhattan Mom

A guide to being able to live the good life in Manhattan.

Reading Time: 3 minutes

So, here you are. Stressed, depressed, and dangerously low on cash. While I certainly cannot help you with the first two, I can help with the third. “How?” you may ask. Well, it is an easy solution that can be accomplished in as little as four steps. Soon, you’ll be going from having mental breakdowns in a school hallway to having mental breakdowns in a luxurious resort. I’m Chrisabella Javier, and this is How To Get Adopted By A Rich Manhattan Mom.

STEP 1: Locate the mom.

You know the kind. The woman whose husband works on Wall Street and whose kids are presidents of their pre-school debate team, captains of the varsity mini-golf team, and regularly go out to luncheons at the Harvard Country Club. You need to be able to find a mom in order to begin. Figure out a way to make contact with them. Suggestions include:

Jump up and down in front of the entrance to P.S. 89 and bother women with small children. Make sure you’re not screaming at the nannies. That’s just going to be awkward. To help you distinguish between them, Rich Manhattan Moms are reliably white, on their phones, and look like Century 21 mannequins. Nannies are usually overworked, underpaid women of color. (If you see a Filipino woman with a tiny blond boy with Google glasses and/or a tiny blond girl who likes pigs and scamming people of their money, that’s my real mom. Say hi to her for me!)

Walk around Tribeca dressed as a mysterious someone from their past. When they come up to you, shocked as they believed they left you to die in the river, make your move.

Buy a plane with a huge banner reading “TALK TO ME IF YOU ARE RICH PLEASE.” Have it fly over Manhattan.

Or, if you’re boring, you could peddle yourself as a SHSAT tutor for her kids.

STEP TWO: Give her a reason.

Of course, she’s not going to adopt some dumb teen off the street without a reason. So you gotta intrigue her. Try:

Giving her a sob story. And when I say sob, I REALLY mean sob. Make up a crazy story about how your real parents died in a drunken car crash off a bridge along with your five brothers in the foreign country you come from. You learned English through memes and found a way to make it to America through being asked to study your incredibly unique anxiety. Rich white women are into the performative support of immigrants these days.

Kiss up to her. Again, you gotta really exaggerate what you do. No homemade cards; blackmail the effing Rockettes to perform a song and dance number handwritten by you. Blackmail a five star restaurant’s cooking staff to make her the most elaborate, beautiful meal ever conceived by mankind for free. If blackmail doesn’t work, you can always take advantage of America’s lax gun laws to get a cheap gun and threaten her . Remember, you’re trying to get that Hamptons house.

STEP THREE: Establish dominance.

You will not be the only person in her life. If you want to get adopted and get that bread, you gotta be the main person in her life. Here’s how:

She’s most likely got a spouse. Knowing the demographic, they are working in financial stuff. If you’re anything like me, you have absolutely no knowledge about how money works. Luckily, you can easily establish dominance by looking them straight in the eye and saying vaguely economic stuff like “TAXES,” “CAPITAL,” and “BANKS.”

If she’s got a dog, carry around a strip of bacon. That will make the dog elated and definitely ready to do whatever the hell you want it to. In the case that her dog is a crazy dog that does nothing but bark and bite at you, you can use the fact that they want meat as an excuse. No matter how the dog reacts toward you, throw the meat at its head. This way, she will always think the dog trusts you and will definitely favor you.

T-Pose on her eight-year-old kids in order to assert your dominance over them. In the unlikely chance that it doesn’t work, you must challenge them to a battle royale. This is very risky—these kids are good. They literally have Fortnite tutors.

STEP FOUR: Make her sign the adoption form.

If all has gone well in the last three steps, she will generously sign these forms. If she refuses, then repeat steps one through four with a different mom.

So, if you have successfully accomplished all of these steps, then congratulations! You’re living the good life with a Rich Manhattan Mom! Goodbye to being broke and depressed in your bedroom. Hello to being RICH and depressed in Morocco!