How to Fix Your Attention Span (Three Easy Steps!)

A few months ago, I was in my English class, struggling to stay engaged while my teacher rambled on about poetry or something. I was on the verge of falling asleep when a wonderful idea, the first truly good idea inspired by the thousands of hours I’ve spent on social media, came to mind. I opened the Subway Surfers app on my phone, leaned my phone screen against my notebook, and voilà! It was beautiful. I had one eye on the screen and the other on my teacher. My brain was thrillingly overstimulated, and I felt like I could absorb all the information in the world.

Now, what I’ve described above did indeed transpire, and I’m sure many of you have gone through similar situations. If you have, then unfortunately I’ll have to be a reluctant bearer of bad news: the method above does not work. To understand why, just ask yourself: how many poetic devices did I really learn from that English class? The answer, you’ll find, is none.

I know how you must be feeling upon this revelation: shocked, hopeless, betrayed, myrmecophilous, or hungry, perhaps. But do not fret, dear reader, for I am here to save you. In the following article, I’ve outlined the steps I took to overcome my addiction to low-quality mobile video games, and if you follow them closely, you might (possibly) get better as well.

Step 1: You Got This

It’s a cruel world we live in. Everyone’s always trying to bring you down and take advantage of you. I mean, look at yourself: what they’ve done to you is horrible. Your goldfish-like attention span is pathetic. But it’s okay, because I’m going to help you, and we’re going to get through this together. Give yourself a pat on the back for embarking on this treacherous journey.

Step 2: Gouge Out Your Eyes

This is a crucial step. Let me explain: if you’re at a point where you need these mind-numbing playthroughs to get through the day, don’t be ashamed, but you are seriously messed up. I mean, you passed the point of no return eons ago. You need radical change, and you need it fast. Think about it: having no eyes means that you can truly appreciate the physical, material world, unobscured by the various poisons of the virtual space. Some might say that deleting TikTok is the “less damaging” option, but that so-called solution is too easily reversible for my taste. So, I recommend that you grab a fork or a knife (I actually used a spoon, but trust me and don’t use a spoon), lean over your sink, and get to digging. Remember: pain is just weakness leaving the body. This is good for you. But maybe wait until you finish reading my article.

Step 3: Ritual Non-Human Sacrifice

Next, you must cleanse your polluted body of your bad deeds. I’ve seen that the setup for this step can be done in a couple of ways. You can submerge yourself in seawater all the way up to your neck, or maybe you can draw a pentagram with some blood-red crayon. The fun is in the flexibility! When the setup is done, hold your electronic device against your hip with your left hand and pat your head repeatedly with your right. Have someone near you read this Latin script aloud (not yourself obviously, because you and your eyeless head can’t read anything lol):

“Si haec verba interpretari contigerit, velim tibi optimam fortunam in probationibus Provectae Placement. Profecto spero te deficere, quod ad collegium ire cupio, et defectus tuus me adiuvat. Dilige, vale.”

Don’t fear the flaming ball that spontaneously appears and engulfs the device in your hand. It’s just part of the experience.

And that’s it! If you think about it, this process is really nothing too abnormal, especially when you stop and appreciate the results. You’ll find that you no longer have the urge to busy your mind with foolish filler content. You’ll be able to pay much better attention in class, and that’s not a joke. Seriously, think about it. What else are you gonna do without eyes but listen? Oh, and there is a slight chance that someone might raise concerns while you go through this process. If this happens, say you’re just a kid trying to better yourself. And if they don’t stop bugging you, gouge out their eyes too :D.