How to Deal With the Loss of a Loved One on Valentine’s Day: For Stupid Idiots
Issue 10, Volume 113
By Benson Chen
Salutations, my little Pfizers! Sorry for such a late upload; I was just a bit busy moving my truck downstairs to the garage basement of my house upstate. Welcome back to Blog #97! I have an AMAZING February article for you guys today!
So… that special day is coming up. Yes, I’m talking about Saint Valentine’s Day! This wonderful time of the year is solely dedicated to love, not only for your significant other but also for friends and family around you. However, for people in the middle-aged demographic like myself, having a loved one pass away on February 14 is common! Of course, this complicates emotions during this time. How can you get to lovin’ up on someone when you’re constantly reminded of your step-niece’s motorcycle accident that happened two years ago on that exact date? Well, let me tell you how.
One way you could get your mind off of such a tragedy on Valentine’s Day is to bake something pretty! This isn’t just because I have such a sweet tooth but also because online recipes always begin with a tragic tale of how the recipe originated, which always puts your issues into perspective. For example, when I made sugar-free sugar cookies for myself the other day, I scrolled through five pages of how the author’s grandfather survived the Vietnam War, losing only three fingers and a sound state of mind, which led him to create a sugar-free alternative to one of America’s most beloved snacks. Also, I love this recipe because I get to use butter, my favorite food. I like microwaving it, and when no one is watching, I enjoy drinking the butter juice. It makes me feel lightheaded, but the flip side is that it takes my mind off of the death in the family, which makes it ALL worth it!
Of course, another way you could cope is by joining a support group. Expressing emotions can be so helpful when dealing with this kind of trauma! After your second session, when you are preparing to start your car in the dimly lit parking lot of a run-down mall, you WILL be approached by a woman named Beth, who WILL invite you to her gentrified neighborhood just a few blocks away. Don’t worry! This is completely normal and happens to every one of us! Beth is a kind soul, a good kisser, and a generous lover. (She also enjoys belly rubs!) After you tell her about your trauma, she ignores the “coming to terms with the fragility of life” crap that you KNEW was a fat load of bull from the support group! Instead, she will tell you of an exciting opportunity to get back your lost loved one (in my case, it was my daughter, who I chose over my step-niece since she wouldn’t keep her damn mouth shut when she saw me smoking in the house one Thanksgiving), and in just two easy steps! Simply promise your loyalty and soul to the third king of hell, Lord Paimon, and then sacrifice three virgins to prove your servitude and loyalty. I was able to find the virgins easily within my friend group, and, to be honest, they didn’t put up a fight. They were just happy that I was engaging in more physical activities, especially after the accident.
One last thing you can do to cope is to engage in some self-care. Everybody deserves a relaxing day off to paint their nails, put on a face mask, and dye their hair. I love self-care, but this time, my zombie daughter just would not leave me alone! She was continuously nibbling at my kneecaps underneath the table, and when I finally punted her across the room, she started crawling up the walls and chanting in a really deep voice. Things like this make me realize exactly why I got rid of her in the first place. But, as they say, motherhood isn’t about taking care of a child; it’s about making the best of what you have! I have now compromised with her and allow her to nibble my toes. This rids me of any dead skin on my feet! Self-care!
So remember, this Valentine’s Day, go get yourself some love by doing any of the above! Thankfully, with the help of Beth, I was able to not only get back my sweet baby but also rid myself of the guilt and pain felt on February 14 to instead focus on more important things, such as buying myself flowers, talking to myself for hours, and saying things that you could never understand! ohmygodIloveMileyCyrusholychristmaswowoowIfeelempowered