Government Bans Humor in Schools

After conducting a study at the Solemn-man institute with the objective of “learnmaxxing,” the New York State government has announced its decision to ban humor in all public schools. The local government worries that, following the preexisting discontent caused by the internet-enabled cellular device policy, this new policy may just be the final straw for the city’s one million students. According to the study, the average student makes a joke 2943 times per day (with a standard deviation of one), and this has been shown to occupy 25 percent of learning time.

Many child psychologists are opposing this ban, citing the works of Pablo-Jan van Jean-McStalotovinskianobergston, an 18th-century European philosopher. He promoted the ideas of childhood freedom with his decree “Jhes dee kilderizza knèt pfaenium,” most accurately translated to “Yes, the children need fun.” The opposition poses the argument of psychological harm. In the ongoing case Gen Alpha v. The State of New York, debating the legality of the humor ban, the court has brought attention to the idea that the ban will actually cause students to be more rebellious and make them choose to smuggle even more jokes into everyday interactions.

To prepare for the ban, the school ordered new humor-proof Velcro pouches. They are made of three inches of pure Trioxycarbotitanium. The pouches were designed by the American government during the Cold War in an attempt to beat the deadpan efficiency of the Russians. Before students enter the building, they are required to open their pouch and put all their jokes for the day into it—again, that’s about 2943 jokes. Some questions have been raised regarding the potential effectiveness of the pouches, given rumors of illegal phone use. However, the school admins claim near-zero amounts of phone usage. Thus, they hold strong on the joke ban. Some call this corruption; others call it the service of justice to the people.

Last week, a student named Jess Ster was escorted to the dean’s office for saying, “Why did the chicken cross the road?” followed by the classic “to [redacted to avoid censorship] to the other side.” His arrest became very controversial on social media, with him becoming the face of Jokes4Jess, a pro-humor movement that aims to abolish the ban.

As an alternative to humor, the school has promoted Borrow-A-Statement, a program where students can borrow a bag of ten, 100 percent true, literal statements as long as they return it at the end of the day. Some examples include: “How do you pump a tire? You press the pump to fill it with air.” According to sophomore Joe King, “Just listening to these is more painful than dad jokes.” Lawyers in the Gen Alpha case claim this does not constitute a valid alternative to true jokes as it defies Hugh Murr’s Law, making it a constitutional violation.

The corrupt and nepotistic Student Union has bought into the schemes of the state and is actively promoting the ban on social media. The mayor's office has weighed in on this decision and argued in favor of the students, as long as they perform mandated shifts at his collectivized grocery stores and drive his free buses. Whichever way the verdict rules, this experience will leave Stuyvesant forever changed.