Google Meet Your Soulmate!

Meet your favorite platform, Google Meet.

Reading Time: 3 minutes

Cover Image
By Ivy Jiang

Name: Google Meet (Meet, for short)

Birthday: August 15, 2013

Age: six and nine-twelfths years old

Zodiac Sign: Taurus

Blood Type: Prefers not to say

Ethnicity: Green


Short walks on the beach

Annoying others

Being difficult


Your opinion




Crashing weddings

Duct taping others’ mouths shut for hours on end ( ˘͈ ³˘͈ ) for fun

*:・゚✧*:・゚✧ 𝓁𝒶𝓇𝒸𝑒𝓃𝓎 ✼:*゚:.。..。.:*・゚゚・*

Playing mini golf

Not caring if your mic is on

Facts about Meet:

Meet ran away from their mom, Google Hangouts, to pursue a career as an entrepreneur.

Because of this, Meet ended up going to clown college at age four.

Meet is ambidextrous.

Meet had an intense emo phase (we don’t talk about that).

While they always wear green, Meet’s favorite color is actually lavender.

Meet got in a fight with the popular platform Zoom after Zoom threatened to take all of Meet’s audience. Zoom is now in prison for assault.

Meet’s ideal type: “I want someone who cares about what the other has to say just as little as I do. I also want them to be at least eight feet tall and have shoulders at least 40 inches wide. Their favorite color also has to be blue. I swear if their favorite color is orange, I’ll hurt them.”

When Meet grows up, they want to be a… professional refrigerator.

Meet’s favorite animal is… the long-wattled umbrellabird.

If Meet could have one superpower, it would be… the power to shut everyone up at will.

Meet’s favorite genre of music is… Lofi so low you only hear the faint crackle of something that vaguely resembles noise. It’s either that or brutal death metal.

Meet’s favorite candy is… the lawn clipping-flavored jelly beans in the BeanBoozled box.

Meet’s self-summary: “I hope you don’t have any self-confidence. If you do, say bye-bye. I care about what you have to say as much as Willy Wonka cared about that boy that fell in the pristine chocolate river. Expect to be ridiculed and degraded at every possible moment; I never miss a beat. You spilled your split pea soup? First, I’m laughing at your soup choice. Next, I’m laughing at your absolutely ridiculous face. Last, I’m laughing at your dog because he’s just so… ugh.”


Meet likes black licorice.

Meet looks good in front of your parents exclusively.

Meet will spoil you with rotten fruit.


Meet thinks that they don’t have any cons, so take that however you’d like.

Meet’s dream vacation spots are:

The plumbing department at The Home Depot

The wheelchair section at Walmart

A spiral notebook factory

Gotham City

Meet’s strong suits:

Meet can relocate spiders if you’d want them to, but Meet doesn’t care, so they’ll kill the spider anyway.

Meet is really good at burning food, especially if they hate the interior designer who decided a tie-dye backsplash would be a good idea to pair with your neon green countertops.

Meet boasts about being able to turn their head 470 degrees around.

Meet also doesn’t know any exorcists for your convenience.

Meet can skin, debone, and consume a whole rabbit in under 20 seconds.

Meet’s ideal first date: “Cracker Barrel is always nice, just not with anyone else. I appreciate alone time with my biscuits. After dinner, I’d take a short walk on the beach—not more than five minutes. Any longer and my arthritis will start acting up, and I’ll get sand abrasions. After that, I’d go home. Fun is for losers. Time should be spent doing useful things, like knitting my rabbits’ mittens. Yes, I have rabbits. I have a whole farm in my backyard. Why do I have so many rabbits? What else would I have for dinner? Duh.”

Last thoughts from Meet: “I’m really just not looking for anyone anymore. This was a good idea, but now I’ve realized that I hate this. Don’t contact me; I will not reply. Don’t believe me? I make my own restraining orders too. Oh, that’s nOt LeGaL? Do I actually look like I care? No, tell me honestly. Actually, don’t, because it still doesn’t matter to me. I hope we never meet. Bye.”