Four Ways Yu Can Better Stuy!

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Issue 16, Volume 112

By Vincent D'Angelo 

Controversy arose this week when a super secret list written by Principal Yu for four planned enhancements to Stuyvesant became public. Reportedly, a recently-hired intern working directly for the headmaster sent a picture of Mr. Yu’s computer screen to his friends via Roblox’s direct message system. The leak has received mixed reviews on, where the list first rose to popularity, with some claiming that the list is “the most egregious and obnoxious piece of literature to come from Mr. Yu’s tormented mind. Yes, including the joke emails.” Another user reported more favorably, claiming, “This is fire bro, these improvements are gonna do wonders for my Sketcher Sneakers Reselling business!” So, what exactly are these new improvements?

New Dress Code

These days, Stuy fashion is influenced pretty heavily by current city-wide trends. Mr. Yu is not. Now, all girls will be required to wear full-length, black dress gowns all day, every day. Boys will be forced to wear tuxedos with a teal bow tie. According to the leaked document, Mr. Yu will personally enforce these changes, and all those he sees violating the policy will reportedly “be forced to run 100 laps around the sophomore bar with frequent guitar blows to the jugular.”

Helipad, on the Roof!

Remember when Walter White spontaneously threw a pizza on the roof of his wife’s house? Well, think of Mr. Yu doing the same thing, except this circular object is about 100 times as large in diameter and made out of concrete instead of cheese. This helipad will most likely be used to facilitate travel between the wealthier Stuyvesant students (that actually own helicopters) and the campus; in other words, between affluent, downtown Manhattan, and affluent, downtown Manhattan.

KFC x Stuy?!?!

This next proposal is one that will surely spike some blood sugars. It is common knowledge that Principal Yu is an openly struggling Kentucky Fried Chicken addict, with some witnesses reporting that he suffers severe withdrawal symptoms when he goes a few hours without slathering his lips in the grease of fried chicken. Clearly, recovery is a long, ongoing struggle, but as a byproduct of his dilemma, the student body obtains easily accessible alternative lunch options! Prison food for lunch no more!

Ten Minutes of Homework per Night

Mr. Yu holds the belief that the current 30-minute homework policy is too often violated and too difficult to enforce reliably. For this reason he has decided to lower the number of minutes of homework a class can give each evening, now giving teachers a mere 10 minutes of leeway. This change has been a long time coming and will most likely be received very positively by the student body… and you just got trolled. LMAO, be realistic; this is Stuyvesant. The real change is that you now have to take seven APs per year to qualify for graduation. Have fun!

And that’s our list! What I hope that last improvement showed yu, dear reader, is that no matter what changes or improvements the standing headmaster decides to implement, Stuyvesant High School will always be a miserable place for all unlucky enough to try on the SHSAT. Enjoy the KFC!