Feature: An Interview With Samuel Drupe, Overnight Billionaire

Coffee Cart owner strikes it rich selling coffee to Stuy students.

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By Sunny Bok

Samuel Drupe was once just another breakfast cart owner, until his introduction to the capitalist policies of Stuyvesant High School’s coffee-selling scene earned him an enviable fortune.

“I didn’t even know horizontal integration was possible within the caffeine market,” sophomore Ellen Jasa admitted. “Is this going to be on the APUSH exam?”

Drupe allegedly got his idea by attempting to revive a student who had passed out from a lack of caffeine while waiting in line.

“I told him that he owed me $8 for his cappuccino with five extra shots when he suddenly sat upright and blurted out, ‘BUST THE TRUSTS!’”

Eyewitnesses say that the student, who has been identified as Max Pome, proceeded to recite the entirety of a Facebook study guide by heart before finally waking up.

“You do what you gotta do to prepare, right?” Pome said. “I was told I missed a bullet point on the Gilded Age, so I’m going to have to review the whole guide again, right after I get the complete portrait of Teddy Roosevelt tattooed on my lower back.”

Bullet point or no, Pome’s words had an impact on Drupe’s policies. “I was attempting to drag him out of the way when he started talking about Andrew Carnegie. I ended up deciding to make a few changes to how I run things.”

None of the other coffee sellers were prepared when Drupe started offering coffee that was five cents cheaper than theirs, causing all Stuy students to flock to Drupe’s cart. He was soon able to buy out the other carts in the Tribeca area and proceeded to hike up costs to levels that made Starbucks even greener with jealousy. He is reported to be turning a profit twice the value of the United States’ federal debt daily, distressing Stat and Macro students alike.

“I don’t understand how someone can make so much money from selling coffee to Stuy students,” an anonymous AP of Safety reported. “It’s not like I don’t confiscate every cup I see.”

Drupe also talked about his plans for the future.

“Once I’ve set aside enough to live on, I intend to donate my remaining money to philanthropies, such as offering Stuyvesant teachers monetary incentives to double homework assigned during AP season. They really are very underpaid.”