Escalator Breakdowns: Let’s Break it Down

Hi all, I’m Nathan Lee, and I’m trying to make a name for myself. I haven’t had much luck with previous articles, but I hope this one will be my big break. The escalators have been acting up recently, and I intend on getting to the bottom of it.

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Terror struck at 8:05 a.m. on March 12, 2026. The escalators connecting Stuyvesant’s seventh and ninth floors were disabled. The repercussions were unimaginable. Tens of students were rerouted, causing them to be late. Some simply cried in disbelief at the bottom of the escalators on the seventh floor. Others fought on and climbed step by excruciating step. While the issue was resolved by the end of the day, the traumatic event guaranteed reverberations for semesters to come.

The topic of Stuyvesant’s escalators is frequently brought up in city government meetings. After looking at the spending reports on escalator maintenance at Stuyvesant, Mayor Zohran Mamdani questioned whether the maintenance workers were laundering money. Spurred by this idea, others further speculated on their crimes. A student who wished to remain anonymous, Aaron Yu of homeroom 5UU, claimed to have seen the maintenance workers “tampering with functional escalators.”

City law explicitly targets escalator maintenance workers in Chapter 3, in the section titled “Escalator Maintenance Workers,” subsection XXI. Under this, it states that maintenance workers found tampering with functional escalators may be subject to tarring and feathering, stoning, enrollment in a certain Junior and Senior AP Bio class, or less cruel and unusual punishments.

Being accusations of such gravity, these charges were brought to the highest level of jurisdiction: the school safety agents. After the school safety agents said that they do not care, these charges were brought to an even higher level of jurisdiction: Assistant Dean Mr. Simon. Unfortunately, the interview could not be recorded on account of the interviewer’s phone being confiscated. 

With administration being of no use, the anonymous student, Aaron Yu of 5UU, decided to resolve this conundrum by going straight to the highest-est level of jurisdiction: the Mayor’s Office. We at The Spectator were unable to bug the Mayor’s room record this conversation. However, while we couldn’t learn anything from the meeting itself, the Mayor’s Office released a jarring statement that shocked the city. It detailed that escalator maintenance workers were to be taxed 103.5 percent, which is 103.5 percentage points more than the tax of the ultra-wealthy. 

With the new tax imposed, the escalator maintenance workers went on strike. Schools then became… oddly functional. However, terror still reigned. The anonymous student, Aaron Yu of 5UU, and other notable students went missing. People have speculated that these disappearances are linked to the escalator workers’ strike. An anonymous source, Mr. Citron, said, “I always knew that the maintenance workers were laundering money. In fact, I believe they’re a part of organized crime. But please keep my name anonymous. I have a family.”

On an unrelated note, longtime science teacher Jerry Citron has suddenly retired after a 30-year career at Stuyvesant. We give many thanks to Mr. Citron for his long career shaping young minds at Stuyvesant. 

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“Hey kid, stop investigating. You don’t know what you’re getting yourself into.” That’s what the anonymous voicemail from 311 told me. However, this means I am closer than ever to solving the puzzle. If Caesar had paused his conquests because of a voicemail, he wouldn’t have had a salad named after him. That’s why I’ll keep on investigating—if not for the students, for the salad naming rights.

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It’s been three days since I’ve been taken hostage by the escalator maintenance mob. My anonymous sources, Aaron Yu from 5UU and Mr. Citron are next to me, which makes it kind of awkward. It’s a dark room with no windows. I think it’s a basement. An older woman keeps telling one of the kidnappers how much of a failure he is. That guy is actually pretty chill, so I kinda feel bad for him. I thought I heard an Asian accent and a slipper being thrown, but that could just be my own trauma. 

Anyways, they wanted me to relay this message: “We will not stop taking people until Zohran lowers the tax. We just want to do our jobs in peace. We’ve never ever caused any problems for students whatsoever.” I totally agree, and not just because my life is in their hands. Anyways, if someone could end the strike and get me out of this locker-room-smelling basement, that would be much appreciated. Until then, I’m signing off, hopefully not for the last time. 

All people and events referenced in this article are completely fictional and have no basis in reality. Any perceived similarities are completely coincidental.