Dear Incoming Class of 2030... We Have Advice!

Dear freshmen (also known as the “goo goo ga ga” class),

You made it! I’m sure you’re absolutely ecstatic that summer break is dead, and I bet $50 with the Hudson staircase residents that a lot of you have questions about everything that is our great school. Do you even know what the Hudson staircase is? Anyways, us writers at the Spectator Humor Completely Factual and Serious™ Department have concocted a few pieces of advice to give you practical, awesome knowledge, from the first floor to the 11th. 

Tick off the Upperclassmen

Up first on the agenda is arguably the most important thing to know: use the 11th floor pool! We guarantee you that every single upperclassman that you’ll ask for pool directions will send you to the pool on the first floor. Why? Simply because they want to hog the pool up in the skies all to themselves! So don’t let them gaslight you. Instead, here’s how to get to the niche pool: 

1. From the Tribeca Bridge entrance, walk straight down the hallway. If you do it right, you should pass approximately four juniors crying, two sophomores bullying a freshman, and a senior sleeping on the floor. Continue past the turn in the hallway, and you’ll arrive at the Hudson staircase!
2. Walk all the way up the Hudson staircase. Collect the 10-coin—it’s easy to miss!
3. Break the lock of the gate leading to the 10th floor and continue up the stairs to the 10th. 
4. From there, you should see a green pipe with a black hole in the middle. 

IMPORTANT: You MUST drop exactly 1,672 (rest in peace, Peter Stuyvesant) golden coins into the pipe to be granted access to the elusive 11th floor. No more, no less. 

5. Finally, jump into the pipe. You will be immediately submerged at the bottom of the 11th floor pool. Swim all the way up to the top, make sure you avoid the Cheep Cheeps and Bloopers along the way, and you’ve made it!

Be mindful that every other Tuesday, B3 days, February 29, and Peter Stuyvesant’s birthday, there will be sharks in the 11th-floor pool whose diet consists exclusively of underclassmen and AP Physics C textbooks.

How to Fit in

Well, now that you know how to tick off the upperclassmen, don’t forget that Stuyvesant is a big school. If you’ve ever watched High School Musical before, then you probably know that you’re at the bottom of the hypothetical Stuyvesant food chain. But here’s some exclusive advice from us on how to fit in until your AP Bio teacher reaches the Ecology unit.  

First of all, don’t follow the crowd to the escalators! Walk to your next classes using only the stairs! Trust me, EVERYONE will respect you knowing that you and that big backpack of yours aren’t taking up space on the busy escalators at Stuyvesant. Also, after four years of only taking the stairs at Stuyvesant, your leg muscles will have more weight than the number of brain cells left in that sleep-deprived brain of yours.

Secondly, we know you hate small talk (because you got into Stuyvesant). So instead of having everyone lining up to ask you your name, what middle school you went to, or even (gasp) what your favorite food is, why not just wear a backpack of your favorite food? This new backpack will cut down your time spent on food icebreakers (which is a significant amount of time!), and students would LOVE your sense of style with your new backpack! Also, all your teachers will love to see you put their piles of packets in that cool, bright, vibrant backpack of yours. Try it for at least the first week, and see all the new friends coming your way.

Lastly, and most importantly, ALWAYS remind your teachers if they forgot about the homework. Homework is a very necessary part of every student’s life, and it helps them understand the material taught in class. Stuyvesant students cannot afford to fall behind, and you would be doing everyone a favor. Trust me, you will receive much praise from BOTH your classmates and teachers. It is a win-win situation, so go for it!

How to Be Smart^TM

Wonderful! Now that you’re the Michael Jackson of Stuyvesant High School, let’s focus on grade-specific academic advice. We’re sure that’s what is probably on your mind the most, especially because you’re going to Stuyvesant of all places. Right?

The first thing, and really the only thing you need to know, is this: NEVER believe your teachers. The homework they say will take half an hour? Try two hours. If they say there’s no test tomorrow, there absolutely is. Who says that there’s not something happening, unless there’s something happening? Think! Use that SHSAT brain! 

The next thing you should try to do is join as many STEM-related clubs as you can. We don’t care whether your future career goal is a doctor, artist, musician, or professional ultimate frisbee player. The more smart-sounding clubs you join, the more you can brag to your friends about how scintillating your life is at Stuyvesant. (Just make sure your friends don’t secretly go to Stuyvesant too.)

And here’s a secret: P.E. doesn’t just impact your GPA like any other class. It counts for six credits, meaning that it has TWICE the impact on your GPA than your Global Studies or Freshman Composition class. So you better wear your uniform or kiss your Ivy League dreams goodbye! 

Finally, if you find yourself lucky (or unlucky) enough to be in an AP class such as AP Biology, you’ve now just found yourself a new excuse to not go to family hangouts! Just say, “Sorry, I have to work on my AP BIOLOGY college-level homework” in the snobbiest voice you possibly can. Make sure you really emphasize the words “AP” and “college-level.” You are a Stuyvesant student, after all. 

Welp, that’s all we can give you for now. Stay tuned for the next issue, and don’t drown in homework from the first day! That would be cringe. (Do you young folk still use that term?)

Spectator writers, out!

BONUS: Niche Stuyvesant Jargon

Want to be the coolest cucumber in the school and gain all the upperclassmen’s respect? Sorry to say that the latter can’t be accomplished, but the former sure can! Use these terms to sound like you knew Peter Stuyvesant when he was just a boy. 

1. Stuy = Stuyvesant (shocker)
2. F-R Comp = Freshman Composition
3. Global = Global Studies
4. HUG = AP Human Geography
5. Geo = Geometry
6. Bio = Biology
7. Art App = Art Appreciation
8. Music App = Music Appreciation
9. Ferry’s = Fake Terry’s (just ask one of your teachers about this)
10. Lecture Hall A = Lecture Hall B
11. Lecture Hall B = Lecture Hall A
12. Media Lab = Mythological