Clubs and Pubs Fair Shut Down By Federal Trade Commission

In which The Federal Trade Commission is a bunch of meanies and shuts down the Clubs and Pubs Fair for being in violation of advertising regulations.

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By Faith Choi

Following the first-ever Spring Clubs and Pubs Fair, the administration announced that the annual event will be discontinued after the school faced legal issues regarding predatory and unethical advertising practices. The events of the club fair caught the attention of the Federal Trade Commission, the American advertisement regulation body, which forced a permanent shutdown of the event and took legal action against individual clubs whose actions were found particularly egregious. At the time of publication, 98 out of Stuyvesant’s approximately 200 clubs had received lawsuits and/or cease and desist notices, accusing them of everything from false advertising to bribery and threats.

Most freshmen agree with this decision, seemingly traumatized by unhinged upperclassmen’s recruitment methods. One freshman, who asked to stay anonymous out of fear for his life and went into witness protection shortly after making this statement, said, “One club s-said that if I joined, I would get W rizz and all the single people in a 100-mile radius would talk to me, and that if I didn’t join, I’d be alone for the rest of my life and I’d have negative L rizz. So I joined… but I’m still alone!” Hopefully, witness protection will provide him with some therapy as well.

Many clubs have clapped back at the reports, saying it’s all just part of the typical Clubs and Pubs experience. “The kids these days have no respect for tradition,” one club president said. “At my first Clubs and Pubs, random strangers yelled at us from across the hallway to join their clubs, and if we didn’t stop to listen to their 30-minute rant they’d follow us home! That’s just how it is. It’s not our fault they can’t handle a little light stalking.” Another club president described the Clubs and Pubs Fair cancellation as unfair. “Only 98 clubs were ordered to stop advertising. That’s less than half! I think they should still do Clubs and Pubs, but only for the clubs that were subtle enough with their advertising law violations to not get caught. Less competition, you know?” Only three hours after making this statement, a lawyer broke into Stuyvesant and chased the club president into the Hudson stairwell. She was found crying and surrounded by a heap of legal documents an hour later.

In lieu of Clubs and Pubs, many clubs have resorted to other means of advertising. The printers on the second floor and in the library were shut down after club leaders drained their ink to make posters and anti-government regulation propaganda in a matter of minutes, leading to yet another lawsuit. Clubs have also been giving spontaneous demonstrations of their activities in the hallways. Notably, StuySquad’s K-pop dance performance closed off the space surrounding the fourth-floor escalators, dooming all the students on higher floors to take the stairs. These tactics are surprisingly effective, as StuyActivities crashed from an influx of users rushing to join clubs.

Regardless, it is bittersweet to see Clubs and Pubs go. While clubs have adapted in response to these adversities, many are sad to bid farewell to this cherished event. As one student put it, “Yelling at underclassmen and trying to get them to do stuff for you, try-harding an activity that literally no one else cares about, looking for more things to add to your college application, and being generally obnoxious… to me, that’s what Stuyvesant is all about.”