Choose Your Character: The American Education System

Hi! Welcome to Game of Life: American Education System Edition! As we all know, right now is the biggest and brightest our country has ever been, so now is a great time to start playing the game. We just can’t stop winning! There are so many characters you can choose, each one with different perks. 

Fresh out of college, the overworked graduate student is a great choice for beginners. They come out with only about three million dollars in student debt and have been trained for the most relevant skill imaginable—taking 100-question-long standardized tests. After all, what sort of job doesn’t require you to take long tests daily? They also excel at not sleeping for several nights in a row, although this optimal result requires an input of about 1000 milligrams of caffeine. All graduate students start off with more points in intelligence but will constantly take damage throughout the game from their crippling debt.

The graduate students are primarily based in Jawblus University and are a minority faction in the Game of Life. They are at the bottom of the academic food chain, but all graduate students have dreams of one day leaving their faction by ascending to the prestigious role of janitor. The faction is organized as a dictatorship, with The Professor exploiting their labor.

The homeschooled faction, however, avoids all the pitfalls of the graduate student by forgoing formal education altogether. Instead, they were educated at home to avoid the biggest new viral threat to the U.S.—the woke mind virus. This character chose to do their own research for homeschool projects (mainly listening to podcasts). They start off with stable employment as a TikTok conspiracy theorist, zero dollars of student debt, and a mind free from the limits of reality. What a deal! Want to believe that all the scientists are hiding hollow earth from you? Go for it! You’re free to be as deluded as your parents want you to be! That’s true American freedom right there!

The homeschoolers have some major perks as a class in terms of their education, which will be listed below:

 Moving on! Unfortunately, they also have a 99 percent higher chance of getting measles. Wonder what that’s about…

With three factions covered, the next one is the rich kids. Their faction is split into multiple parties, but the most prominent are the rich neighborhood students and the private school students. Being a rich kid has many disadvantages, which will be listed below: 

Moving on! Fortunately, this class has many perks. Chief among them is greater availability of resources and in-game currency. They also have a better move set consisting of abilities like private tutoring and school funding. To join the faction, all you need to do is spawn in the correct zip codes, where your schools will be able to access the benefits of property taxes. If you spawn in the right locations, like Tribeca or Beverly Hills, then dominating the game is quite simple. Of course, you are not allowed to choose your spawn, as that would be way too unfair and make the game unbalanced for all players. 

The last major faction is the college dropouts, which NPCs and other factions all think of as crazy. After all, they want to avoid millions in tuition for a useless job. Seriously, what is wrong with them? The college dropouts never study hard for some reason, even though the cost of living is only about $1000 a month; they should have plenty of time to study. Seriously, all you would need to do is work a few hours each weekend to pay for it. Honestly, the college dropouts are a faction of insane, lazy bums, and simply not worth joining. 

As a hard-working Stuyvesant student who never procrastinates, you may be wondering how your burnt-out, exhaustion-filled experiences will contribute to your future lives (in the game, of course, totally). I am excited to tell you that your experiences will lead to a happy, fruitful life sweeping the street and serving food at a fast food restaurant. But hey, at least you can make burgers with your 100-percent-necessary-for-the-job degree in astrophysics. 

Aren’t you all so excited to play this game? Factions truly enrich the game and make it immersive. There’s aThere’s a reason why 99 percent percent of video game critics call our game “realistic” and “fair.” Download the Game of Life: American Education System Education System Edition today!