Arguing with Some Loser on Twitter

Fighting IRL just isn’t the same as attacking someone’s profile picture.

Reading Time: 3 minutes

I crack my knuckles in preparation for battle. My glitchy Chromebook from 2019 glistens in the night, a taunting message radiating from the screen.

“no i don’t get those of u who actually like carrots. celery is better. i have stated my case good night <3”

How DARE they? How does anyone think CELERY, of all things, is a superior vegetable in any form? This is atrocious. A crime against humanity. Taylor Swift wouldn’t stand for this, which is why they will be the 827th person I prove wrong within the graceful bounds of Twitter. One Wikipedia search later (hey, always back up your claims), I hit reply.

“@smoothlikejungkooksbutter LOL are you okay? please read that again… you’re really claiming that a vegetable that grows in a marshland is better than a carrot? grow up. ur mom probably had to pay the other kids to hang out with you growing up.”

I sit back, satisfied. With a grand total of one fact retained from second-grade science class that had to be reinforced with a Google search, I’ve managed to spin my knowledge into this brilliant argument showing that I’m educated. Selective punctuation and grammar are also some of my specialties, as is clearly demonstrated here. And that quip at the end? Ah, it’s so fulfilling that it almost makes up for the lack of attention I got as a kid.


“@taylorsfacialpores no no no, if anything the marsh makes it better because shrek would approve. and also your veggie of choice grows in literal DIRT LOL and my besties and i are like family thank you very much. you do understand the concept of people actually liking you right? correct me if i’m wrong i’m just not sure <3”

In a fit of rage, I scream in distress and swipe a decent amount of stationery off my desk. Oh really, K-pop stan? You’re going to be so cocky? This is outrageous. Taylor would want me to fight back.

“@smoothlikejungkooksbutter besties? more like followers who share your trash music taste. by the way, jimin is the best bts member”

A sense of euphoria hits as soon as I tap the post button. That’ll show ’em. I’m so clever, aren’t I? And I’m quite proud of it too. Could anyone even come close to dissing this person as well as I did? Their life is ruined. They’re probably sobbing right now. Call that bad blood because I’m making Taylor so proud right now.


“@taylorsfacialpores honestly that tells me all that i need to know like ur a hypocrite (taylor fan??) AND you’re a solo bts stan? i’m done with this convo go rant somewhere else online in ur mom’s basement. fool.”

I look up and away from Twitter. I am FUMING. This isn’t working.

@smoothlikejungkooksbutter is going to be the death of me. How can I best make them feel as awful as possible for no reason other than the fact that I disagree with them?

Lightbulb. It’s time to pull out my strongest card.

“@smoothlikejungkooksbutter excuse me you CANNOT talk to me like that i am a MINOR. imagine being so sad and lonely that you have to bully a literal child for their username. i can’t. i’m going to need therapy for this.”

The clock ticks away as I await a response. A second turns into a minute, then a minute to an hour. HA. What cowardice. And sure enough, when I open the app, I am blocked.

I scoff. That was too easy. So worth my 20hours of screen time.

“Dinner’s ready!” my mom calls. I smile. Another successful day on the virtual battlefield is coming to a close.

“Give me a minute.”

“Don’t give me a hard time. I just had to waste my time arguing with some idiot on the phone.”

I snicker. “Same, actually.”
She shakes her head. “No, you have no idea.”
I’m just about to turn away when I hear a faint “I made hazelnut celery salad. Can’t believe someone said carrots were better.”

My eyes widen. It couldn’t be. “But celery grows in a marshland…?”

She pauses, rage seething from her very being. “taylorsfacialpores?”