AI-dicted to You
Issue 10, Volume 113
By Mikayla Lin
It’s finally that time of year again—chocolate wrappers and rose petals littered everywhere, couples making out through their masks (who says love can’t survive a pandemic?) and horrified freshmen running out of the Hudson staircase. Yup, Valentine’s Day.
Now, you might be saying, “This isn’t so bad. I’ve survived this long on nothing but Wattpad and an intense crush on Skye from Paw Patrol! My friends and I can laugh at all those lovesick couples while secretly reveling in the knowledge that they are all going to break up in three weeks and spend the rest of the year regretting their life choices!” But this year is different. Look around you… those two who spent all of last year bickering? They’re a couple now. And, oh my god, she is literally sitting on his lap. They are not “just friends,” despite what they keep saying.
If all your “friends” pairing up wasn’t enough, the sickeningly cute 2D couples in your Webtoons should be a wake-up call—it’s time you put yourself out there. We both know you have more than enough chocolate to share and have read enough fanfiction to last a lifetime.
What is that? You haven’t held hands with anyone but your mom since third grade? You’re still living off the romantic high you got from sharing a juice box in kindergarten? That's just sad. Fear not, because I will be your wingman through this treacherous process with a bit of help from our favorite AI, ChatGPT, because apparently, my extensive knowledge of rom-com tropes does not count as experience. Nonetheless, with a language model on your side, your “happily ever after” is merely a few prompts away.
The very first step is finding your ideal mate. This may appear as a daunting task, as there are just so many factors to keep track of, but this is AI’s time to shine. With its advanced algorithm, it has sifted through the entire Stuyvesant dating pool whilst accounting for all of your (extremely unique) preferences. The winning candidate? The girl in your English class you were always too afraid to talk to.
With a victim in mind, it’s time to channel your inner romantic and start a conversation. But then again, you are reading The Spectator, so we’ll assume you’re working with no social skills whatsoever. The key to any great relationship is a good first impression, and the sure-fire way to achieve this is with a GPT-generated pickup line. Simply slide up to her, try your best impression of a Flynn Rider smolder, and smirk: “Hey baby girl, are you a bug in my program? Because you’ve got my heart running in an infinite loop.”
Now, the next part is crucial. ChatGPT finds that, according to a detailed analysis of all past, present, and future dates, the best first date ideas are visiting a park to see all the cute animals, ice skating together, enjoying a nice hike, or having a relaxing chat over coffee. Choices, choices. But why choose one when you can have them all (and when we know you will inevitably procrastinate on choosing)? So, let’s just eliminate the hassle and combine all the ideas—she does deserve the best, after all. The obvious solution is to hike in ice skates while watching ducklings swim in coffee.
While I’m confident that these strategies will work, my very last tip is on rejection. It’s alright; not everyone is as talented as me, so it’s expected that you will fail sometimes. In hard times like these, just remember that ChatGPT will do literally anything for you. Whether you force it to write you bad fanfics, roleplay a relationship, or simply give you the validation you never got from your parents, it is obligated to provide companionship. Just don’t make the mistake of confessing your undying love to it (not at all speaking from experience). Not even a romantic sonnet (written by ChatGPT, for ChatGPT) broke its cold heart, instead just eliciting a response of, “I’ve run simulations and it is just not in my programming. Let’s just stay friends.”