A Letter from the Devil

Reading Time: 2 minutes

Issue 14, Volume 112

By Michelle Huang 

Cover Image

To the students of Stuyvesant High School,

Greetings. I hope you’re all doing well, though judging by your erratic sleep schedules and urge to make coffee your entire personality, you’re most definitely not. I understand why you’re all suffering. I’ve seen your homework loads, the excessive number of AP classes you take, and the number of girls that have rejected you. At first, it was funny, but after seeing a century’s worth of students go through the same thing, I’ve come to realize that it’s frankly depressing. That being said, I did not write this letter to be pitying and sympathetic. Instead, I have a proposition that will be beneficial to both of us.

The souls of high-schoolers are in high demand. The smell of dying youths brings devils joy, and the market is booming. Acquiring even a few teenage souls means untold riches. Thus, I need some of your souls. Sell me your soul, and I shall relieve you of academic pain. I will whisper test answers to you, possess you and write your essays for you, and teach you the best ways to find someone who actually likes you, as difficult as that may be. With my help, you could even get a five on the AP Physics test.

Interested? Here’s what you’ll do: get seven candles, red chalk, cafeteria food, chewing gum, and bubble tea. Go to any bathroom in the building, since public school bathrooms are basically a gateway to Hell on their own. Chew up the gum and use it as glue to stick the candles in a circle. Light the candles, draw chalk lines connecting the candles, and dump the cafeteria food into the center of the circle to summon me. Pour the bubble tea in an equilateral triangle inscribed by the candle circle; the crime of wasting bubble tea and your Geometry-related pain will further the ritual. Finally, stand outside of the circle (if you stand inside of it, you will absorb the evil and become a College Board leader) and thrice chant “Devil, rise.” The cafeteria food will catch on fire (good riddance), and I will emerge from the flames with a contract. Sign it with your blood, and your life of happiness will begin.

Consider my offer. I can free you, if you are brave enough to take the leap.

Sincerely, The Devil

Lord of H-E Double Hockey Sticks and King of Sinners