A Comprehensive Guide to Lying About Your Grades

It’s October, and that means you’re basically still in summer relaxation mode. As a result, your grades… aren’t the greatest. But fear not! The Spectator has a perfect script that you can follow if your parents, teachers, friends, or literally anyone else questions you about your grades. Obviously, there is one solution that would work better than all of the others—actually studying and completing your homework assignments on time—but you’re not all about that lifestyle. If you were, you’d be studying right now instead of reading this article! 

Scenario #1: Your parents ask you how school is (strike one)

The really important thing here is that you absolutely, under no circumstance, should tell the truth. I mean, if they really wanted to know the truth, they could have just checked Jupiter for themselves. They want an idealistic, sugar-coated version of the truth, which is perfect! The only important thing is avoiding their wrath when they inevitably find out. As a master procrastinator, you aim to make that as far in the future as you can.

“School is going really well,” you respond calmly and confidently. “I’m learning SO much, my homework is completely manageable, and all of my teachers adore me.”

“That’s exactly what I wanted to hear. Keep up the good work!” They respond to your relief. You let out a silent sigh, patting yourself on the back for staying sane in this high-pressure situation. 

In the extremely rare scenario that they ask any follow-up questions, which only happens approximately 98 percent of the time, don’t panic. “Learning is about more than just the grades themselves!” You retort when they ask what your highest grade is. “Even Albert Einstein struggled in school,” you add with a grin, realizing that you are even more of a genius than you realized. Don’t bother fact-checking this claim. Your parents will believe anything you say as long as you’re confident enough. 

Scenario #2: Your teacher asks why your grades have dropped (strike two)

This situation is much more dangerous than Scenario #1, because the person questioning you is also the one who has personally inflicted these grades upon you. One thing that you should repeatedly remind yourself throughout this conversation is that it’s not your fault that your grades are so low. In fact, it is NEVER your fault.

You have to create the illusion of responsibility. Take accountability for your failures, but you shouldn’t actually admit to anything or change your study habits. A statement such as “I completely understand your concerns, and I am working hard to get better and further my learning” should more than suffice. In fact, you’ll actually appear knowledgeable, thoughtful, and mature. Your teacher will definitely be impressed with you after this. They may even try to help you improve your study habits. You’ll smile, laugh, and say “maybe later, I’ll email you about it!” but under no circumstance should you actually take that offer. If you accept, you will finally have to complete your homework, and we’ve already established that is not an option for you.

Scenario #3: Your friend asks you how you did on the test (strike three)

There is such an easy solution here: just lie! They’ll never actually see your test grade, so you can say anything you want. But, for our small portion of readers with a conscience, we have an excellent response prepared for you too.

Simply say, “You got a 97? That’s insane! What was the class average, though? A 98?”

Saying this brings the conversation away from your inability to answer basic test questions, and it makes your friend care about everyone else’s grades instead. If your friend still asks, just say “I haven’t checked yet.” This is technically true: you haven’t checked your grades in a full 38 seconds, so the teacher could have provided a massive curve! The possibilities are limitless.

Scenario #4: Someone asks what your GPA is (CODE RED)

Unfortunately, this scenario is out of your control. You can try to change the subject, but it won’t matter. The other person will still want to get their answer. 

In a CODE RED emergency like this, the Spectator recommends entering what we like to call “Mysterious Elite Athlete Mode.” Simply appear obsessed with your physical and mental health! You don’t have time to check your grades, because you’re too busy making Tom Brady’s avocado ice cream. You can make a vague statement about how you are “focusing on personal growth this semester.” The beauty of this statement lies in its versatility—it conveys that you not only don’t care about your grades enough to check, but also that you believe that you are better than the person asking because you are prioritizing YOURSELF. You have time to go on a journey of personal growth, meaning that academically, you’re in far greater shape than the questioner themself. Remember, it doesn’t actually matter if any of this is true. It will work anyway. 

Scenario #5: Report cards come out (WORST OF ALL)

No amount of lying and misdirection can get you out of this predicament. To put it plainly, you’re cooked. Yet you must never give up hope. Keep on with your dream of convincing others in the world of your imaginary competence.

Simply minimize the importance of grades in the process of life. “You know, I heard colleges only care about your extracurriculars and essays now,” you say as a wise cover-up. “I’ve been watching a lot of college consultants on Instagram, and they say that if I follow the 1-2-3 Pomodoro Potato Self Destruct Method that I’ll get into every college I strive for!” Everyone will believe you. Trust us.

So the next time you feel upset about your grades and want to improve, simply shove those feelings aside. Grades don’t matter AT ALL. It’s the thought that counts. 

Besides, it’s October. Summer is practically right around the corner.