A Battle Royale of the Christmas Traditions
Issue 8, Volume 113
Lately, there have been way too many ways to celebrate Christmas, making the holiday stressful. Between leaving out cookies and milk for Santa, hanging up big red stockings by the fireplace, and more, who wants to do a kazillion things to get into the festive mood? We all know Stuy students don’t have the time for that.
Have no fear, for the Humor Department has a solution! We interrogated—I mean, interviewed—the most popular holiday traditions and asked them to defend their spot as a Christmas tradition. Which traditions will keep their spot, and which will be lost forever?
Leaving out cookies and milk for Santa
You want to know why I should stay on as a tradition? Obviously so that you can bribe Santa to give you gifts if you’ve been naughty. Christmas wouldn’t be the same without me, and everyone knows it. If you don’t leave out cookies for Santa, he’ll be hungry—and going to everyone’s house in one night is a pain by itself. Take away the cookies, and what do you get? A hangry Santa! You do NOT want to see Santa when he’s hangry. He’ll start bouncing off the walls and you’ll wake up to a wrecked house. What’s more, Santa’s got very low blood sugar, so he needs his cookies. You don’t want him fainting coming down your chimney, do you? It’s not easy to drop 15 feet and not feel dizzy. If you take away the cookies, you’re taking away Santa’s happiness. And if Santa’s not happy, you’re not getting anything other than coal. What you should replace is stockings—that tradition is wack. What, you put up massive socks so Santa gets whacked by floppy red things when he exits the chimney? That’s the Christmas spirit!
Hanging up stockings by the fireplace
I would never whack Santa—intentionally, at least. What would be the point of Santa coming down the fireplace if there weren’t any stockings for him to fill with toys and candy? Also, what better use is there for Santa’s old socks? But don’t underestimate me—these are no ordinary dirty socks. They’re decorations that light up the room brighter than the fire in the fireplace. I create the perfect cozy Christmas aesthetic (the Christmas tree is so overrated!). You should see the unknowing smiles of naughty children when they see their stuffed stockings, unaware that they’re full of coal! Anyway. One tradition I can’t wrap my head around is your dad dressing up as Santa. It’s so dumb—with a fake beard and red hat, you’ll totally never be able to tell it’s your dad. How could you unashamedly lie to your kids?
Dad dressed up as Santa
Well, excuse me! Putting up a good disguise is easy, as long as the fake beard doesn’t fall off. My belly is naturally large enough already, and I have the buff muscles necessary to carry a huge sack of gifts. Plus, I get to say “ho ho ho” all day long—admit it, you want to as well, but you don’t want to sound like a weirdo. I’m literally bringing holiday spirit to my family by being Santa, which means this ought to be the best tradition on the list, especially considering what I put up with. Do you know what I have to put up with around the holidays? It’s so annoying when my children sing the same few Christmas carols over and over again! I have to pretend to think that they’re good singers, and I deserve an Oscar for such acting. The stupid Jingle Bells tune gets stuck in my head for the next 11 months, and then it’s the holiday season again.
Little kids singing oversung Christmas carols but highly off-key
Don’t be such a Grinch. The hills are alive with the sound of music! (Even if it’s bad music.) My holly jolly melodies may be highly contagious and infectious, but I’m the best way to spread Christmas delight. After all, how could you ever get sick of the inspiring story of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer? And admit it—children singing is the funniest thing you’ll hear all year. It’s comical to hear them trying to be Mariah Carey despite having voice cracks every few seconds. But laughter and joy are part of Christmas, right? You know what’s overrated, though? Christmas trees! Seriously, it’s just a tree with lackluster decorations on it, and it doesn’t serve any purpose. What a pointless tradition!
Putting up a Christmas tree
Bro, have you forgotten that I’m the OG tradition, the oldest and most famous one? It was Prince Albert who introduced me to Queen Victoria. Can any of y’all say you have a royal’s endorsement? I am the first thing people think of when it comes to celebrating Christmas, and I’m the most noticeable, too. There’s even a big Christmas tree at Rockefeller Center that thousands of people visit; can any of you guys say the same thing? Everyone loves and wants me—how idiotic of you to think that you’re the best Christmas tradition when clearly, it is me.
Not gonna lie, after hosting these interviews, we think that all of these traditions suck and need to deflate their egos a bit. But who are we to ruin the festive mood? Don’t worry; with so many traditions to choose from, a very merry Christmas is on its way to you! Honestly, though, who has time to celebrate Christmas? You should be working on your college apps, catching up on sleep, and dealing with the heap of homework that your teachers assigned, due two days after the break, because apparently that’s legal. So forget Christmas—celebrate The Last Day of School instead. It’s a much worthier holiday!