Your Comprehensive List of Program Change Excuses
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“Who teaches pre-calc period seven?” you ask. “Sweet baby Contreras, it’s [sound of you banging your fists on the table].” We at The Spectator understand that shopping around for the “best” teachers is a favored pastime here at Stuyvesant and practically a religious mandate if you are a junior. So, to ensure that you will get the highest curve possible, here’s a list of excuses you can give to your guidance counselor when making program change requests on Talos. That way, you can finally have that teacher whom everyone says is the “love of my life.” Wait, how many love-of-life’s is that? I wish I had that kind of time.
“I want to switch my free period and my <insert class>. This will not affect any of my other classes in any way, shape, or form. Please don’t pick up on the fact that I don’t even have a free period. All I’ve done is swap one eighth-period math class with another eighth-period math class.”
“I’ll just make a million requests. Sooner or later, you’ll accidentally hit ‘Approve’ instead of ‘Deny.’”
“The hedges in Seattle were short enough to build a maze with, but these are much too tall.” Good. The more confused your guidance counselor gets, the less likely it is that they’ll realize you’re trying to switch teachers. “HAHvai;jhsbddgyhHUHJNncddyuib” also works but is less effective. Be sure to phrase everything as eloquently as possible to make it sound like you know what you are talking about.
“Help, I barely passed chemistry last semester, and my grades are going up! Wait, I can’t say my grades are ‘going up.’ Well anyway, I need an easy teacher plz plz plz.”
“Banks hate him! See how a guidance counselor (AKA future you) made $100,000,000,000 by approving someone’s program change!”
“Let me have so-and-so for drafting, or I’ll use my l33t h4cking skills to do it myself, you forking n00b. You’re gonna get yeeted and beated and deleted and fleeted.” This can only be used in an ominous e-mail sent from an anonymous account to have the desired effect.
“I need eighth period religious lunch. What religion, you ask? Err, the cult of the giant spaghetti monster, of course! We devotees have to pray to him five times per day, and those times just so happen to coincide with when Muslims pray to Allah. Why didn’t I just call myself a Muslim? Don’t ask me.”