What I Really Mean During Open House Tours

The sheet they give you with all the tour information is close to useless.

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After my first experience giving tours during Open House, I’ve quickly come to realize that the sheet they give you with all the tour information is actually completely trash, lauded with things like “blah blah blah science floor, we have labs” and “look, we put things in the walls.” As a good Samaritan who cares about things besides volunteer hours, and the wonderful ARISTA member I am, here’s a quick guide to what Open House tours really consist of.

The senior bar: Stuy does… non-science things?

That’s right, a BAR. And it’s painted. Every morning as we non-senior plebeians enter the school, we get a glimpse of this Holy Grail and imagine the day that we get permission to step foot onto the sacred tiles. Got into Stuy in March and want to show how cool you are to your friends? Instead of bragging about how little sleep you’ll get and how many APs you’ll take, simply tell them your school has a sacred bar. It doesn’t have any alcohol (I hope), but your friends don’t need to know that.

The third-floor gym:

Don’t all schools have this? Why do you find this so interesting? Ah yes, here we see a wild freshman in their natural habitat wearing their P.E. uniforms, some of which have not seen a washing machine since the invention of cotton.

The cafeteria:

Woah, look, we have… windows? Recycling bins? Dirty tables? People storming the cafeteria because they can’t stop all of us? Wait, never mind, they have the whole scanner thing now. Dang, Stuyvesant is so special.

The library: Nap time

Blah blah blah some dude donated money, BUT this is the best napping spot in the school, you can’t change my mind. Trying to get in, however, is like attempting to find a seat on the train during rush hour.

The seventh floor: BIOLOGY!!!

If you happen to get in, this floor will be the bane of your existence during freshman year. You know what doesn’t help? Sleeping with your textbook under your pillow and hoping to learn things through osmosis. Why? BECAUSE OSMOSIS IS FOR WATER. IF YOU WANT TO LEARN THINGS IT’S THROUGH DIFFUSION, YOU SIMPLETON.

The eighth floor:

Please refer to “AP Physics is a Sham.” This is where you may commonly see juniors frantically flipping through notes and worksheets two minutes before a test. Other common sightings may include the occasional freshman going to her locker and fellow juniors having a mental breakdown about ph-, phy-, physi-, oh god, I can’t even say it.


Remember that evacuation we had? Now I would like to know which incompetent person failed to open her Bunsen burner correctly. P.S. Stop sending lab answers in group chats, do y’all ever learn?

The tenth floor:

Every! Day! Is! Leg! Day!

And of course, the human interaction part of it. To me, the parents seem to have the most questions, and I don’t have the brain cells to formulate a well-worded sentence of comprehensible English, so here’s the answer to a good 75 percent of the questions. Feel free to print it on a T-shirt.

YES Stuy is work, YES it is stressful, YES I’m not getting sleep tonight, and for legal reasons and the hope that the New York Post isn’t spying on us, NO we don’t all do drugs and NO we DO NOT cheat.