Humor

What Have Yu Been Up To?

Issue 4, Volume 113

By Allison Zhao, Kara Yip 

Now that it’s the spooky season, I’m sure you’re wondering what our beloved principal has been up to. We’re here to reveal our discoveries, from potential Halloween costumes to Principal Yu’s portal. Through extensive research, we have come up with a few theories. Do not inquire where we have obtained our sources.


His Favorite Bangtan Men

One of the most iconic parts of Yu’s daily e-mails during quarantine was when he shared his love for the popular K-pop group BTS, also known as the “Bangtan Boys.” Students have also reported hearing “Butter” and “Permission to Dance” on repeat when walking near his office. These findings have led us to conclude a multitude of proven facts.

Yu is going to be the newest addition to BTS. Even though this may seem like a stretch, he has the perfect formula for a K-pop idol. First of all, everyone knows that he’s an avid ARMY; it’s only right to assume that BTS themselves have also heard. With the copious amounts of motivation he e-mails us, how could our biases reject such a lovely person? He obviously has a talent for singing (how dare you assume that our principal is tone-deaf?), and he has also shown his proficient dance skills when visiting some of the StuySquad crews. Of course BTS is going to invite Yu to join the group! We suspect that Yu will announce the news on Halloween by dressing up in K-popper-showstopper attire and having a concert in the first-floor auditorium.


One With the Ghosts

Besides the stinky underclassmen, a lot of you most definitely remember Principal Yu’s daily blessings during the peak of the spicy cough, a.k.a. COVID. For a lot of us, this was the brightest part of our mornings. Reading those paragraphs of well-thought-out words and specially chosen quotes from renowned individuals with the utmost sympathy touched our hearts. Our last motivational boost from Yu was delivered to our inboxes on September 9, 2022—recently, a majority of those e-mails have turned into endless case reports of the spicy cough. Our last daily occurring e-mail from the beloved Yu is from September 17, 2022.

After examining our sources, we have found endless recommendations for how we can improve our lives from THE Seung Yu himself. Start waking up at 4:00 a.m. on the weekdays for motivation and outlook for the day (“thinking, writing, reflecting,” he says in one of his e-mails). I’m sure many of us agree that waking up before the crack of dawn has immensely improved our lives, allowing us to think, reflect, and plan out our day.

But how exactly did he find that waking up at 4:00 a.m. was the golden ticket to life? Reports from Stuyvesant students who have been waking up at 4:00 a.m. claim an over 100 percent improvement in the quality of their lives. They also reported some pretty funky things going on in the early hours of the day. One student reports feeling like someone’s yelling affirmations at them: “I heard a voice clear its throat and thunderously exclaim, ‘You are going to pass your AP Calculus BC test with a 66 and all the escalators are going to work today,’ and I was like ‘Oh my god, slay.’”

You might be wondering, “Where exactly do these voices come from?” Since the reports don’t indicate any sightings, we can only conclude that some really motivational ghosts are making these sounds. This leads us to the theory that Yu is a ghost whisperer, and he’s been stealing his motivational quotes from ghosts. The BTS, also known as behind the scenes, of those e-mails were really just dead people that for some reason chose to stay in this cruel world to share their wisdom with Yu, thereby providing us great mental help resources (through some questionable means).


Are You Sure Your Principal Is Merely Saying “Good Morning” Every Day?

Ever since we’ve all returned to in-person school, there’s been another method of encouragement: all those “good morning” and “have a safe trip home” well-wishes. What does all this free time mean?

If our dear principal is out on the bridge saying “good morning” to everyone, then… who is inside his office? Don’t tell me you actually think it’s empty when not occupied by Yu himself? How could that be possible, even with time management expert Principal Seung Yu? You see, there are some… what do we call them? Assistants. Assistants who help Yu as he puts forth his facade. Think about it: why waste time having your greetings be ignored by half the students late to their first-period class when you can be making behind-the-scenes progress on something aligned with your darkest desires?

We have a *very* reliable source who claims that there is a portal to Principal Yu’s REAL office—room 103 is NOT his true office. The portal was found to be a gray filing cabinet drawer—what a clever hiding spot. Inside, Principal Yu has been spotted conspiring with his gray-robed (why is everything gray?) e-mail writing assistants, drafting a long scroll titled, “Stuy Students: Fears.”

The small lightbulb in the cold lab flickers on and off. There are many fears any given Stuyvesant student can harbor in their mind. Not getting into an elite university. Getting below a 98 on a test. Failing gym. Being caught by one of three notorious deans with AirPods in. We regret to inform you that after telling you all this, we have not confirmed what the scroll is for. But be prepared to face those terrors—Yu and his gray assistants plan on executing their plan. Totally did not mean to cause anyone distress at this revelation.


*Disclaimer. These are mere theories. We try to believe in the geniality of our dear principal.