Wealthcraft!

There was a guy in the village doing alright, then he became a rich kid overnight, now he’s gotta figure out how to do it right, so much to learn and see!

Once upon a time, there was a kid named Goldi Gerr. On a blistering hot summer day, he was uselessly doomscrolling when he suddenly came across a motivational video. “Academics are not everything,” it said. He happily nodded in agreement. The video’s text switched as the lady on screen began twirling in a circle while doing the “clock it!!” hand sign. “If you drop out, just find a rich guy to marry!” it read. The screen switched off, and Goldi’s phone flashed a low battery symbol. In the phone screen, his reflection caught his eye. He carefully examined his sculpted features in the reflection. 

He wasn’t bad-looking. In fact, his facecard was a perfect 10/10. As a child, he’d always been showered in compliments regarding his appearance. Perhaps it was his pretty privilege that made him incapable of passing Art Appreciation. No matter what he was told to draw, it would always end up looking suspiciously like a self portrait. Once, he attempted bribing his teacher with five bucks (his entire life savings) to change one of their assignments into one where everyone drew and glazed him. His teacher ended up sitting him down to look at Hollywood models that had a lot of plastic surgery done in order to humble him. Fortunately, he was unaffected. The only artwork he had appreciation for was his beautiful, perfect, wondrous, impeccable face. However, this led him to be suspended and eventually expelled from school, leaving a stain on his record. In order to recover his reputation, his mother packed their bags and took him to a brand new city, changing his legal name. It had been twelve years since Goldi left high school, and he was now thirty and still living in his mom’s basement. 

He thought back to the video. Would it be a good decision to finally utilize this masterpiece of genetic code? Was it really worth sacrificing his dignity for the cash? He looked around, examining the peeling paint of his basement walls and the tiny centipede happily crawling in the corner to hang out with its roach friends. Goldi turned back around with a determined expression. Anything was worth escaping this. He slapped on 40 layers of makeup, following a TikTok tutorial, and assembled a very demure, very mindful outfit. He stepped outside and confidently shimmied down the sidewalk, waving to a man in a shiny black lamborghini (emphasis on shiny). The man’s jaw dropped in shock, but he quickly recovered and waved back.

That man, Billy O’Naire, had just come back from a lecture from his rich parents about how he still hadn’t found a partner. The media was becoming more and more suspicious that his parents were forcing him to stay single so that the outside world wouldn’t be able to discover their cup-selling business’s underground tactics. Recently, shiny princess pink glitter had been found along the crack of one of their broken cups, leading the media to believe that witchcraft had been involved in the making of those—

[AD BREAK]

—wonderful cups, now on sale for only five dollars a cup! Be sure to purchase one on our website: onaireskitchenware.xxx! 

This meeting of fate was perfect for him. He ordered his driver to stop, stepped out of his shiny black lamborghini (emphasis on shiny), and quickly walked towards Goldi Gerr. He tapped him on the shoulder, and Goldi turned his head around in slow motion, K-drama style, carefully doing physics equations in his head to make sure every strand of hair flew up into the air in glistening waves.

“Hi. Would you be interested in making a deal with me?” Billy O’Naire asked. 

“Sure…?” Goldi Gerr responded. 

“Let’s discuss this on the drive to my mansion.” 

They walked back to Billy O’Naire’s shiny black lamborghini (emphasis on shiny), and Billy opened the door to the passenger seat, stepping aside to let Goldi Gerr in first. Goldi awkwardly shifted in, smiling. Billy also stepped in, then shut the car door. The driver drove to Billy O’naire’s mansion, breaking approximately 30 speeding laws on the way there by performing a very impressive loop-de-loop in the air, aweing all the passerbys but unfortunately not the police. They were chased down five streets and pulled over (the driver was incompetent; Billy would have to fire him later), but the police thankfully seemed to be won over by a donut bribe. Billy and Goldi, however, were completely unbothered as they were focused on each other.

“Would you be interested in marrying me as, let’s put it this way, a business deal?” Billy asked. “I’ll provide you with money and housing, and you can buy whatever you want, but you have to pretend to be utterly in love with me in front of my parents.”

“Okay, bet,” Goldi Gerr responded with zero hesitation.

“Nice. Our wedding is this afternoon by the way.”

“What!?” Goldi’s eyes seemed to glitter with stars, and he radiated with a happy aura.

After visiting Goldi’s future room in the mansion, the two began preparing for the wedding. At 1:00 p.m., the wedding began.

Beautiful bells echoed throughout the mansion’s courtyard. People danced all around, chattering happily. Goldi and Billy walked down the aisle in a hurry and reached the stage. The wedding officiant, a close friend of Billy’s, began speaking.

“Yo. So like, what y’all gotta say to your partner?”

Billy poked Goldi in the side. “Lock in, bro,” Billy whispered. 

Goldi began shedding fake tears. He had rehearsed crying specifically for times like these.

“Billy O’Naire…” Goldi said, bawling and sniffling, “I love you so, so much…and now you will finally be my husband.”

“Goldi Gerr, I love you, like, so much. You know I would do anything for you.” A single tear slid out of Billy’s eye. “I remember when we first met. I was parachuting, about to land, when an angel fell right into my arms. I laid my eyes upon the most wonderful being I’d ever seen. It was just my luck that you happened to return my gaze.”

Goldi awkwardly coughed, then forced on a smile. “I had just jumped off a bridge, and you brought hope back into my life. I remember our visit to Antarctica to see the penguins, all our little dates, and our awkward talking phase where we struggled to figure out each other’s feelings. Billy, you are the man of my dreams. I would have never imagined that someone as perfect as you could exist in this world. You are the sun in my sky. Your smile makes my heart skip a beat, and I simply cannot fathom loving anyone more than I love you.”

The officiant cut in before Goldi could put the audience to sleep. “Aight you can kiss now or whatever.” 

They hugged. They did not kiss because we are minors, and we do not engage in intimate behaviors beyond hugs (I am allergic).

By 1:05 p.m., the wedding was over. Billy’s mom was sobbing next to Billy’s dad, crying about how fast Billy had grown up. Just then, a nearby servant handed Billy a letter sent by his former Art Appreciation teacher (whom he had been especially close to due to his exceptional artistic abilities). He read the letter, and his eyes widened in shock. 

“Holeh moleh…”

Two hours later, after all the clean up work had been done, Goldi Gerr lay in bed, still uselessly scrolling. Just then, he heard a knock on the door: it was Billy O’Naire.

“Goldi… I have something to tell you,” Billy said.

“What is it?”

“My name wasn’t always Billy O’Naire.”

“Oh.” Goldi paused. “What was your name before?”

“My name was… Fren D.”

A flash of recognition made its way onto Goldi’s face. “Fren? You’re Fren? Why’d you change your name?”

“My siblings, their names were all too similar to mine. Fran, Frin, Fron, Frun, and Fryn. I knew that with such similar names, I would never gain individuality. So I did something about it. I also took my parents’ last name. I know they didn’t name us with it for tax-evasion purposes, but I wanted my name to have a piece of my humble origins as a nepo baby.”

Billy, or rather Fren, touched the back of his head. His fingers found a zipper, and he pulled it down. The skin on his face was split into two, and when he finished unzipping, he stepped out of the “skin” to reveal a completely different appearance. “I remember you too now. We used to be in the same Art Appreciation class. We were very good friends, but then you dropped out. Your name wasn’t always Goldi Gerr either. Your name used to be Doc Terr. I remember copying all my AP Biology packet answers off of you.”

“Fren…” Doc leaned onto Fren’s shoulder, sobbing genuine tears.

Fren placed a hand on his back, comforting him. “It’s alright. It’s okay.”

Doc looked up. “Will you spend the rest of my unemployed life with me?”

Fren smiled. “Yes. Do you like performing witchcraft on cups?”

“Hell yeah.” 

They then happily skipped off into the sunset.

THE END (yay!)