Ways to Break the Escalators

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Issue 12, Volume 112

By Virgenya Zhu 

Cover Image

I’m sure everyone has had this thought: the escalators in Stuyvesant just don’t break often enough. They’re running all day, and frankly, that’s a problem. We can’t overwork the escalators! No worries though. Just take matters into your own hands. Here’s a list of ways YOU can break the escalators. Enjoy!

1. Tell freshmen they can make up all of their biology quizzes and labs if they collectively go up to the ninth floor right after 10th period. The escalator will break simply under all of the secondhand academic pressure.

2. Release your pet hamster onto the escalator. Not many people know this, but there are actually small pathways in escalators with the perfect proportions for a medium-sized hamster to fit into. Once in there, the hamster can navigate to a big red button that will stop the escalator. This is right next to the big blue button that makes the escalator go 30 times faster, which is next to the big green button that causes the escalator to self-destruct and destroy anything within a five-mile radius. Fun fact: hamsters are colorblind!

3. Purposely take the stairs. Like you, escalators suffer from imposter syndrome, and they may feel unvalued and will therefore break down because they feel useless.

4. Feed the escalators your failed tests—escalators thrive on disaster. They know your sins. They relish in your weaknesses.

5. Manifest it. Truly will it to happen with your mind. This works best if you are sitting on the escalator with your eyes closed. Do not open them. Preferably wear something very flowy—something that might get caught in the machinery, thereby hastening the process of the escalator breaking.

6. Confess your love to it. In response, the escalator will immediately stop all operations and go silent. That’s right, you got friendzoned by an escalator. You thought you were the only one incapable of human love? Oh boy… milestone, I guess.

7. Turn the escalator into an NFT. No one will be able to use it. Be sure nobody screenshots your precious possession.

8. Light it on fire.

With these eight easy tricks, anyone can become a supervillain of the student body! We recommend using all of these at once for maximum value and efficiency. And don’t worry, the escalators breaking will not affect anyone’s schedule. Simply wreak havoc and carry on your way.