Unspoken Rules of Navigating Stuy

You may be wondering why you decided to choose a high school with 10 floors. If that’s the case, you might also be wondering how to get around this agonizing tower most efficiently. The Spectator presents several of the unspoken rules of navigating Stuyvesant so that you and your peers can have a better experience treading up the bridge, followed by another nine floors to your first class each day.

Rule #1:

To choose the proper stairwell, look for the most crowded one, since that must mean that it’s obviously the student favorite. You’ll easily identify this by the incessant screams of agony and the damp blanket of sweat caused by the horde of hormonal adolescents that covers the vicinity. And as any other logical, intelligent Stuyvesant student would do, force yourself into the crowd and through the doors into the stairwell. You should have had experience doing this on the subway.

Be sure to enter through the door that others are trying to exit from and likewise, go up the staircase against the concentration gradient. By the power of aggressive active transport and “accidentally” knocking out students with the five-ton textbook in your backpack, you’ll progress up the stairs in no time.

Rule #2:

After going through the sweaty stairs, you will find yourself navigating the hallways. You may quickly notice how a majority of students fast-walk to get to class on time. This is a foolish thing to do because they are just building up lactic acid; instead, walk at a very slow pace to conserve your energy.

Rule #3:

In such a high-stakes pressure cooker, it is important that you make sure to take a breath and enjoy yourself. What better way to do that than to use the few dysfunctional escalators to your advantage? These moving steps provide an excellent view of the many Stuyvesant walls. You mustn't forget to halt everyone behind you so they enjoy the view. Simply stretch out on your escalator step and position yourself into the fish pose you learned from your last yoga class. Ensure that there is no space for anyone to walk past you, and be sure to raise your arms and legs if they try to step over you. If anyone tries to remove you, make a hissing sound like a creeper until they go back into submission or until you blow up, whichever one comes first. This way, everyone has a chance to take a break and enjoy the various shades of grey on the walls as they pass.

You may also choose to do the same as you walk through the halls. However, you now have to put in a tad more effort, because the floors move only slightly less than the elevators do. As you walk through the halls, be sure to slow your pace to that of a sloth (0.15 mph) and occasionally stop to do your yoga.

These rules, though unspoken, should have been common sense, but alas, they must be stated in this article. For the few individuals who have read these sacred rules, satisfaction is guaranteed, and your peers will surely be grateful to learn from your demonstrations. May the uneducated students at Stuyvesant learn from your dutiful actions.