Uncovered Pieces of Text Reveals Unforeseen Affairs
Reading Time: 4 minutes
Teachers from the Stuyvesant social studies department have recently uncovered an important archeological find while on an excavation mission in Greece: a set of never seen before notes detailing the juicy private lives of the great Greek philosophers Aristotle and Plato. Under the pressure of potential extra credit, translators from the Humor Department of The Spectator have now decrypted these messages into modern English for your enjoyment.
The introduction of this saga began on August 12, 354 B.C.E., the day of the freshmen orientation at the University of Athens, where Aristotle and Plato met for the first time. Below is a transcript of the note that describes this meeting.
“P: Dearest Aristotle, your idea to share notes for communication is quite lovely. I do think our relationship is advancing rather rapidly, but I suppose life is only meaningful when we are striving for a goal, which, in our case, is a passionate affair. Oh, by the way, I forgot to tell you I have a girlfriend and children. I don’t love them like I love you though. Yours Sincerely, Plato.
A: Do stop with the formalities, we’re so historical best friend coded. I don’t care if you have a girlfriend and children, we are soulmates. I still remember our first meeting yesterday, when I made eye contact with you while you were looking around the orientation room!! It’s obvious that this was fate when you instantly looked away and moved your head 0.1 centimeters to the right. If that isn’t love at first sight, I don’t know what is. <3”
In the early morning of August 27, 354 B.C.E., Aristotle and Plato remained in a passionate relationship, having been briefly apart due to a holiday break. At this point in time, the breakup of their relationship seemed to be impossible. The following is a transcript of one of the fervent letters they sent over break.
“P: ‘At the touch of a lover, everyone becomes a poet.’
My dearest Aristotle, this quote I found in a scroll reminded me of you. It is said that love is a serious mental disease, yet I fully embrace it as our love is anything but a disease. You are even more beautiful than Aphrodite and Helen of Troy. To that end, I felt that I must compose a poem in honor of you. I have spent nearly six hours agonizing over each word, and I truly believe that this is as close as I could ever capture your beauty. With Love, Plato.”
“P: ‘A = admirable, R = rizzly-bear, I = illustrious, S = smexy, T = talented, O = one-of-a-kind, T = talented, L = lovely, E = excellent.’”
“A: OMG MY CUTIE PLATIE!!! I love this poem so much!!! ALSO, I AM SO EXCITED TO SHOW YOU MY NEW TOGA!!! I drew your face onto all of my clothes!!! Now you’ll always be with me. If you’re not in school tomorrow I will kidnap your children.”
August 28, 354 B.C.E. is the day Plato deceptively told Aristotle that he was transferring to a better college, Pontiffs. He of course did this in the most communicative and heartfelt way possible, over a handwritten note on the back of an exam. The following two quotes are from Plato, first, and Aristotle second, respectively.
“P: My muse, Aristotle, I have upsetting information to share with you. I have been granted my request to transfer to Pontiffs. I haven’t informed you of this beforehand because realistically, I never thought I would get there in the first place. But that was my ignorance, because courage is to know what not to fear, and I should not have feared my brilliance. But I am a deceiver. I am a bad man. Good people do not need rules to know how to act responsibly, but I simply rode them on the outskirts. I am sorry my love. I wish you the best. Also, do not contact me, do not look for me, do not ever call my parents, my girlfriend, or my children, or I will end you myself. Okay? XOXO mwah.”
“A: WTF?!?!?! WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU’RE GOING TO PONTIFFS??? YOU WERE JUST TALKING ABOUT HOW EXCITED YOU WERE TO SPEND LEGAL ETHICS WITH ME??? HOW DO YOU GET TRANSFERRED FIVE DAYS BEFORE CLASSES START THAT’S NOT EVEN POSSIBLE! LOVE IS A SERIOUS MENTAL DISEASE FOR PEOPLE LIKE YOU! I HATE YOU! I DON'T THINK YOU UNDERSTOOD WHEN I SAID ALL CHANGE IS SWEET BECAUSE THIS IS IN FACT NOT SWEET!!!!!!!”
On August 31, 354 B.C.E., authorities announced that Plato Platonian was arrested and charged with identity fraud on multiple accounts. When the news broke out, Aristotle Totler wrote in one final note. The following is a transcript of the entry.
“A: I once told Plato that our love was a single soul that merely was composed of two bodies. But that was before I found out that I shared it with a 60-YEAR-OLD SAGGY WHITE GRANDPA. The day we first met, I told him that humor is based on surprise, hoping we could have our own little inside jokes. Little did I know that the biggest surprise in our relationship would be his transferring to PRISON instead of Pontiffs. Were all those conversations a lie? Did he even have a girlfriend? Did he even have kids?? He put this guilt upon me. He put me in fear in anticipation of the backlash of our evil. I wasted a year of my life on that man. I appreciate the joy of the youth, but we are easily deceived because we are still inclined to hope. But there is nothing to hope for anymore. You ruined my life, Plato. From now on, I will do as much as I can to stray away from your so-called ‘legacy.’”
The Spectator apologizes to those who have been disturbed by the text. We are not responsible; do not contact us.