Trump Proposes Ban on Logic

After barricading the Oval Office before special counsel Robert Mueller could pummel through its doors, President Trump furiously penned an executive order calling for an immediate ban to all forms of logical reasoning, habits the press release called “destructive of the moral fabric of patriotic Americans.”

“The lying LIB MEDIA needs to stop gloating over my senseless emotions,” Trump said. “My tweets make perfect nonsense, like my speeches, but they’re beautiful, like the deal I negotiated with Mexico for the wall, which is going to be so BIG and STRONG. The approval numbers are so high—37 percent, I think it is—which just crushes Obama’s 21 percent approval rating here in West Virginia, where the real America is and the limousine liberals near 57th St and 5th Ave in Manhattan are not.”

The leader of the free world also mentioned that he would not hesitate to completely obliterate any organization or locale that sanctions critical thinking, particularly any that continues to manipulate his statements by implying that they have any relevance to real events that occur on the spinning blue globe we all inhabit.

With regard to the Mueller investigation, Trump adds that he will most likely be proven innocent and be freed from all charges if everyone would just stop thinking so damn hard.