Trudeau Resigns: Nothing Ever Happens

As the Canadian government collapsed in a flurry of snowflakes with the gravity of a man realizing he’d lost his toque amidst Justin Trudeau’s resignation, millions braced for the dawn of a new era. Trudeau’s resignation ends his almost decade-long leadership. Canadians expected something—anything—but, somehow, nothing happened. Canada woke up on a brand new day with nothing remarkably different, at all. 

“It’s utterly baffling!” one irate Quebecois declared, shaking his fist at the heavens. “Oui were promised independonce! Free-flowing maple sirop! The fish in the St. Lawrence would throw themselves onto notre plates! And instead? Trois more inches of snow?! Sacre bleu!”

When we reached out to Vancouver’s mayor for comment, his reaction was no less confused. “Trudeau resigned? I can’t believe it! I didn’t even realize it happened! I thought Pierre would be Prime Minister for life!” he exclaimed. After being corrected—again—that Pierre Trudeau’s son, Justin, was the one to leave office, he stared blankly for a moment before mumbling, “Someone really should’ve told me something...” As we left his room, a CNN report about another Pierre briefly elated the mayor before he was told the opposition leader’s last name was Poilievre not Trudeau.

This sense of disbelief was also present in midwest Canada. “Trudeau? The good Queen Elizabeth wouldn’t let this happen…” said an Albertan, staring off into the distance. “...we’re still under the British Crown, right? Someone really should’ve told me something!” Considering the walls were still plastered with photos of the 1904 Olympics and a plaque that looked new when Champlain sailed into Canada, life seems to have gone on.

 In desperation, we turned to the only reliable news source left: the geese. After getting stuck in a Canada Goose jacket for several days and finally tracking them down their migration patterns to the one place the most Canadian of Canadian residents would go—Mexico—we demanded an interview. One honked in disdain at the footage of Trudeau’s resignation, while another simply shrugged and waddled off to its next chaotic endeavor—attacking the camera crew. No major injuries were sustained, although an intern was hospitalized for several broken bones.

Despite the complete lack of change, Canadians remain optimistic. The phrase “nothing ever happens” may have become the most popular political slogan in the country, but there’s still hope that, one day, something might actually happen. The Liberals have now elected Tustin Jrudeau—an obviously different Trudeau—as their new leader. His claim to fame—having a father that was prime minister, the ability to go to France and not call it “Fake Quebec,” and the ability to differentiate Minnesota and Ontario—still leave some speculating whether it’s just Justin with a fake mustache.

Whatever the future holds, Canadians will certainly endure. Parliament remains blissfully uninteresting, unlike our brave Texan rants about Green Eggs and Ham; whatever representatives remain awake either seem to not have heard the news or just don’t particularly care much about it. After all, they are doomed to forever living in uninteresting times.