Top 5 Ways to Escape From Junior Prom

JProm sounds great until you’re stranded in the middle of the Hudson River with no way to get out. Here are your top 5 ways to fix said dilemma!

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It’s the end of the school year, and do you know what that means? It’s JProm time! The time of year that we’ve all been waiting for, when the promposals create traffic jams and you have to decide whether or not you care enough to match your outfit to the theme. What else can you ask for? But what happens when you’re accidentally seated next to your archnemesis, or lock eyes with the girl who rejected you and is now at prom with your best friend? Here are your top five recommended ways to escape JProm, just in case you find yourself in either of those situations (or something even worse). 

  1. Walk the Plank

I feel like this is the most obvious option—just walk the plank. Yes, the JProm boat does come with its own pirate-inspired plank. It was originally installed to walk off any unwanted guests or chaperones, but who says you can’t use it for personal endeavors? Politely ask the captain if he could unlatch the plank, and you’re all set! But maybe tell some people before you decide to walk it; I know Stuy kids would kill to watch someone walk the JProm plank (myself included). You can also capitalize on this moment and charge people to watch, making some pocket change in the process wink wink. Disclaimer: This form of escape is recommended only to those who have passed the swim test/swim gym. Otherwise, kindly redirect yourself to a different option. 

  1. Turn into a Mermaid

Who says mermaids aren’t real? Why do you think the Stuyvesant boys and girls swim teams win championship after championship? They’re all mermaids! This is your time to shine and channel your inner Mako Mermaid just like the Stuyvesant Penguins and Pirates have. (Just make sure no one catches you in your true form, or Mr. Moran may have to confiscate your moon ring.) Once you’ve transformed into a mermaid, you can swim as far away from JProm as you desire. 

  1. Sirens 

Have you ever heard singing coming from the Hudson Staircase? Has anyone ever told you that the singing is just “chorus kids?” Well, I have the true scoop on that cover-up: The singing is not just “chorus kids,” but sirens taking on the form of chorus kids. I mean, why else do you think chorus promposals actually work? No one actually wants to go to prom with you, but the serenade of the sirens will transfix anyone into believing anything. So just find a handful of “chorus kids” and lead them to the captain of the boat. The sirens will be able to make the captain dock the JProm boat anywhere you’d like so you can hop off, though you’d probably have to bribe them beforehand. I suggest using pizza bagels—sirens love pizza bagels. 

  1. Ms. Ingram’s Taxi Cab Service

If there were to be a police lineup for me to identify this person who has filled my Gmail mailbox, I would never be able to identify her. Who sends weekly Opportunity Bulletins? Who is the first to email the school when a fire starts from a Brawl Star rage-quit? Who always sends weekly updates? Ms. Ingram, Ms. Ingram, Ms. Ingram. But have you ever seen Ms. Ingram face-to-face? Probably not. That's because she is not just completely booked with writing emails, but also with her own taxi cab service. Give the Ingram Taxi Cab Service a call when you find yourself in a pickle at JProm, and our beloved Business Manager will come to your assistance. 

  1. Row Away

Row, row, row your boat—this dance makes me want to scream. Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, JProm is not a dream. It’s always a good idea to join the Stuyvesant Rowing Team, especially in situations like this. Who needs to stay for the entirety of JProm when they can just row away? To access the row boat attached to the JProm boat, you just have to [REDACTED DUE TO THE AMOUNT OF INCIDENTS LAST YEAR. ONLY CONTACT THE SPECTATOR FOR THIS INFORMATION IF YOU ARE AN EXPERIENCED ROWER AND ARE NOT AFRAID OF DEATH. NO EXCEPTIONS WILL BE MADE.]

I hope all of you attending JProm have an amazing time and will not have to resort to any of these methods of escape. But if you do end up using any of them, you’re welcome. If you end up getting in trouble using them, you never read this article. You don’t even know what The Spectator is. In fact, you don’t even know what a newspaper is.