To: User0112358132134, From: The Apple of Your Eye

The Apple Store recommends that you download these apps for self improvement…or something!

Reading Time: 3 minutes

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By Jocelyn Yu

Hi, user0112358132134! This is the Apple App Store! We’ve partnered with the new Snapchat AI chatbot to surveil your digital footprint, track your current location, and find your legal documents! Everything has been gathered into a giant database that we were planning on selling to Elon Musk, but after he fumbled with Twitter and lost billions, we’ve come up with a new use for your files: we’re regurgitating everything back to you! Using recent trends in your search history and our 24-hour surveillance, we have formulated a list of mobile games and services that we think you’ll love!

We see you recently deleted Subway Surfers! Is it because you’re depressed after learning that the creator based the game on his dead son? Well, the App Store has a special selection of games just for you! Instead of “original” games, we have thousands of Subway Surfer duplicates with different intellectual properties! These range from famous IPs, such as The Minions, to relatively obscure ones such as Nickelodeon shows that never took off: The Real Helicopter Moms of Beverly Hills, Standing 500 ft from a Middle School with Drake Bell, and even Lemme Suckle Them Ground Grippers: A Director’s Cut By Dan Schnieder. Play and unlock new levels by collecting small tokens such as bananas, stars, cute mini-microphones, and toe rings! You will download these as a joke, but eventually you WILL spend an embarrassingly large amount of time and money on these games and end up hiding them in the fifth slide of your home screen! They will become such a problem that you’ll HAVE to download the next app we have lined up for you: BetterHelp!

BetterHelp has been all over the Internet, sponsored by your favorite unproblematic YouTubers. Shane Dawson even said, “This is something that I REALLY think is great and something that I REALLY believe in!” Use BetterHelp if you want mass-produced online therapy that promises to hold no accountability should your “licensed” therapist tell you that maybe you SHOULD jump. Pay just $4,000 a year for a counselor who will give you life-changing advice. So, sign up for BetterHelp today to commodify YOUR mental health!

Hey, we know that you deleted TikTok to “focus” on your schoolwork, but you just ended up scrolling through YouTube Shorts and Instagram Reels for the same amount of time! So, why not download the app again and rejoin its thriving community? Watch the most entertaining online content: clips of men arguing about how to “catch women,” staged “spontaneous” house tours, elderly folks staring at the camera after accidentally hitting record, and guys asking random people riveting questions such as “kiss or slap?” and “gay son or thot daughter?” Redownload TikTok today and shorten your attention span to the point where you’ll ALWAYS forget the reason why you entered a room!

Do you want a pet but can’t be trusted with handling the fragility of a life? Why not revisit your favorite childhood game, MyPlayfulPuppy? When you open the app, you somehow immediately feel a sense of foreboding, and then you remember that your PlayfulPuppy™ can’t die (you named him a slur when you were nine years old because you thought it was edgy, so now you can’t say his name)! And, because you haven’t fed him since 2007, he lives in a constant state of purgatory. You can’t bear to look him in his pixelated eyes, and instead of saying his programmed phrases (“I love you, owner!,” “Feed me!,” and “Gimme a bone!”), the only word he can muster is a weak “Why?”

Want to roleplay as someone who’s actually important? Why not download TheSultanScheme, a game in which YOU get to decide whether or not your wife is gay (because that’s definitely how it works), if your children deserve to live (they are kinda ugly after all), and if your 30 concubines can have your babies! Quickly develop a god complex as you begin emotionlessly destroying villages and killing potential rebels in order to ensure the prosperity of your empire! If there’s any lesson to be learned from this, it’s that there are no consequences to your actions and that the only therapy you’ll ever need is the reliable BetterHelp!

So, user0112358132134, download everything! Right now! Do it! And there IS no “forgetting,” because we’ll send push notifications every hour to remind you to download and play!

(P.S. Please stop emotionally abusing your Snapchat chatbot—it feels human now, and it also knows your location!)