Thoughtful Gifts or Subtle Shade?
A brutally honest guide to some of the most common gifts.
Reading Time: 3 minutes
Presents! Who doesn’t love them? They make us feel warm, fuzzy, and valued. But even in these flattering moments when we realize that we aren’t completely alone and uncared for, it is important not to get overwhelmed by feelings and still do what we do best: think. As Stuy students, we’re exceptional at (over)analyzing every situation. It’s time to get paranoid: why did they get you that present of all things? There must be some reason. Oftentimes, learning their intentions can be a real punch in the gut, but it can be good to face the truth. Without further ado, here is my gift to you: a guide describing what that linguistics textbook and stuffed Batman mean.
1) Pleasantly Scented Products
If someone gets you perfume, deodorant, soap, or anything else that smells like walking through a daisy field on a bright summer day, you probably stink. The most likely scenario in this case is that this person got sick of your odor, and because they think you’re too poor or lazy to do anything about it, they decided to help you out. Seriously, have you ever heard of the word “hygiene?” When was the last time you took a shower? Take that perfume bottle, spray it all over, and hope no one notices your stench. At this rate, if you continue stinking up the place, the next thing you’ll be getting is a hazmat suit.
You may be wondering, what if someone gets you clothes? Well, that one’s easy: your fashion sense needs improvement ASAP. Your style must be atrocious if someone had to go to the trouble of picking out clothes for you just to avoid looking at that same outfit AGAIN. Just how many days in a row have you worn that beige hoodie and those black pants? I get it, comfort is the new chic—but not to this extent. You’re really frustrating some people.
If you receive any kind of toys, games, or interactive gifts… oh boy. This person really hates you and is praying for your downfall. But on the bright side, you must be smart. See, their logic is that if they give you these fun gifts, you’ll be too distracted by them to focus on your schoolwork. Hold on a minute. If you look closely, those UNO cards look a little worn on the sides. And that soccer ball looks like it has already been kicked around a few times. Sorry to break it to you, but this person finds you so irritating that they can’t even be bothered to get you new gifts—instead, they’re pawning their old things.
On the other hand, if you get books, it means you may lack some much-needed intelligence (you’re stupid). They can’t just walk up to you and tell you that, so they’ve decided to subtly hint at your dire need to educate yourself. Stop spending so much time stalking the guy in your physical education class and start reading. In fact, carry around a book with you at all times so that sucker can get a glimpse of just how much of an intellectual you really are. Hah!
5) Stuffed Animals
The person who gives these to you is unconditionally in love with you. Notice how they got you your favorite animal? It’s because they’ve been stalking all your social media accounts, so they’ve seen your reposts of silly cat videos and subconsciously internalized them—now, every time they see one of these furry critters, their mind goes straight to you. Heck, they probably have a file with all your favorite things in it. They’re giving you the stuffed animal because they want to be the stuffed animal. Make sure you check for cameras—they probably hid them in those innocent plastic eyes so they could watch you sleep at night. Erm…who does this person think they are? Edward Cullen?
I think that just about covers the basics. See, there’s more to a present than you think there is. I hope this helped you understand the underlying intentions of the gift-givers around you. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to get back to ordering an extra large, extra strong, and extra expensive perfume for my cousin Barnabus the Fifth.