This Would Be Funnier if It Weren’t My Senior Year We Were Talking About

Opt in or die. Or both.

Reading Time: 3 minutes

New York City (NYC) Mayor Bill de Blasio and NYC Schools Chancellor Richard Carranza rolled out a new policy in late October for the hundreds of thousands of students learning remotely at public schools in NYC. While the city had initially announced that there would be staggered times throughout the year for remote-only students to opt back to in-person learning, their announcement marked a dramatic change—now, remote students only have a single two-week window in November to opt into blended or in-person learning.

As students and parents cried out in anger over the drastic and last-minute change, Chancellor Richard Carranza defended the new policy, claiming that it offered stability and alleviated pressure on principals struggling to handle schedules, which have been in constant flux since schools went remote in mid-March. “Frankly, we’re going to [EXPLETIVE] this up colossally. And repeatedly,” Carranza said. “So the more information principals have about how many kids they’re going to have to cram into poorly ventilated classrooms come spring, the easier it makes this whole thing. It’s good to plan, but hey! Let’s be honest. We aren’t going to do anything anyway.” For some principals, this is too little, too late. Far too late, in some cases—at Stuyvesant, former Principal Eric Contreras jumped ship at the soonest possible opportunity, announcing his resignation in early July.

According to Contreras, his exit is directly linked to the perceived failings in the leadership of Mayor de Blasio and Chancellor Carranza. “Those two bozos? You have to be kidding me,” Contreras said, leaning back in his new-looking swivel chair. “Yeah, no. I got out as fast as I could. When I tried to resign the first time, they convinced me to stay, but I wasn’t falling for that again. I’m over at North Shore High in Glen Head. Fewer kids, less drama. Less humor.” The former principal then promptly left the Zoom call, saying that he had an “important meeting” in his “fancy office, which is way nicer than the one at Stuyvesant.”

Critics of the policy point to the rapidly changing COVID environment in New York as evidence that a single window is wildly inadequate for families struggling with a decision that may define an important period in their children’s development. The mayor confirmed that even if the virus was “100 percent eradicated” by May, families who failed to opt in by the November 15 deadline will have no recourse and will be forced to continue remotely. “Sucks to suck,” de Blasio said. Carranza echoed his comments, mooning our reporter and claiming that opting in was a logical move for all city families. “If you like remote learning so much,” the Chancellor continued, “why don’t you marry it?” Carranza and de Blasio then shared a high five and made “L” signs with their fingers, holding them up in the direction of our reporter.

Governor Andrew Cuomo, despite holding the power to overrule de Blasio, has opted instead to look on from afar and occasionally shake his head disapprovingly. “Listen,” the governor said at a recent press conference. “De Blasio is a buffoon. We all know it. You know it. I know it. Hell, de Blasio probably knows it. The question is, though, is it my place to correct his mistakes? Absolutely. And will I? Absolutely not.” Instead, Cuomo said, he’ll occasionally remind de Blasio of how little power he truly has without overstepping what he called “the unwritten code that one tall Italian-American man never stops another slightly taller Italian-American man from derailing a high-speed train.” In the coming months, Cuomo plans to dedicate his energy to hunting down and eradicating The Boyfriend and promoting his new book, “Cool Guy: How Andrew Cuomo’s Good Looks and Quick Thinking Saved Us All.”

When presented with these comments, de Blasio scoffed. “Tall Italian-American man? He’s not even six foot. I’d appreciate it if he stood aside and let the really tall Italian-American men do the work around here.” The mayor then stuck his middle finger in the approximate direction of Albany.