This Haunted House Is Lit(erally on Fire)!
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I’m Jerome Garcia, reporting live for News on the Four. Welcome to part six of our series, “What’s the Hottest Halloween Trend in 2021?” Previously, we touched upon the Squid Game tracksuit craze and the revival of in-person trick-or-treating, but this might be the crown jewel of them all. Ronald Schwarzenegger and Myra Trump, two 11-year-olds from Licmanster, Connecticut, created the “Burning House of Glory,” dubbed “the hottest trend of the spooky season.” Allegedly, they lit their parents’ houses on fire to create this majestic, fiery masterpiece, using a mix of ethanol and “secret spices” to keep the houses lit. Visitors get a chance to experience all 2,000 square feet of the property, with each ticket priced at only $50. Advertised as a “once-in-a-lifetime experience,” people from all over the world are visiting to see what the buzz is about.
Most notably, many Russians are immigrating to America just for this burning house. At any hour of the day, you can find a group huddling around the house like it’s a giant communal campfire. According to Vladimir Putinovsky, a communal campfire participant, “It’s too cold up there in Russia! Why don’t they have burning houses over there? America’s the best!” Russians aren’t the only ones crowding the house: self-proclaimed Instagram influencers are also hopping on the trend. They say the house creates a wonderful focal point, with the bonus of perfect, warm lighting.
The influx of customers is not only due to its warm setting. Schwarzenegger and Trump are offering a deal where customers who arrive in cat costumes are charged half price—a deal this news organization could hardly refuse. We sent Carmen Pelosi, one of our best reporters, to the house wearing a cute cat costume. Pelosi was apprehensive at first, noting that the trip was “potentially fatal,” but she couldn’t turn down the half-price deal (we also threatened to fire her, and she agreed that being set on fire wasn’t as bad as being fired from her job).
Surprisingly, we haven’t heard back from her since she entered the house. She must be enjoying herself so much that she has no desire to come out! Lucky for her, this is also the case with Schwarzenegger and Trump’s other customers. The pair recognize this and are lenient with visitors’ time: “They can stay for as long as they like! We know it’s a great attraction; you don’t often get to experience something like this!”
So, if you're looking to do something this Halloween, come and visit the “Burning House of Glory” for a unique experience! Jerome Garcia, signing out.
Update: It’s been three days, and we still haven’t heard from Pelosi or the other people in the house. The house is still burning strong, and police are beginning investigations on the missing persons. One by one, police have entered the burning house to investigate, but none of them have come out. Firefighters were also called, and they decided to end this thing once and for all. A group of them walked into the building to rescue the thousands of people that seemingly fit inside the house. For some strange reason, they have yet to emerge.
We interviewed Chief Firefighter Jeb Wazowski about this situation, and he said, “It’s too risky to hose down the house with so many people in it. I’m sure the firefighters inside are doing a great job making sure everything’s going smoothly. Everyone will be out in a few minutes!” Some critics remain skeptical about this house and the fates of the people in it. When asked about these incidents, Schwarzenegger and Trump just laughed, “Don’t worry about it! We’ll be open all month, so come visit!”