Humor

This Class Does Not Exist

A Stuyvesant-themed SCP article. For more information, consult http://www.scpwiki.com/.

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Item #: SCP-345

Object Class: Euclid

Special Containment Procedures: Due to SCP-345’s position within an active and renowned school, in the midst of ███ ████, ██, proper containment is all but impossible. The sheer amount of witnesses that would require amnesticization following a theoretical attempt at SCP-345’s containment would be well beyond the scope of the SCP Foundation’s abilities. Further research related to the capture of SCP-345 is ongoing and is headed by Dr. Narom of Site ██, which is located in the warehouse on ███ Street and █████ █████ in ███. Until superior means can be established, the following conditions will be sustained:

One undercover SCP Foundation agent is to be stationed within ██████████ High School at all times (while instruction is ongoing at the school). They will serve as a member of the school’s staff whom the school nurse[1] can contact at any moment in case a student’s condition becomes suspect. They are also to track instances of SCP-345-A by whatever means necessary (e.g. through the institution’s built-in security cameras or in person if possible) should they appear or act in a manner that is new to the research Dr. Narom has thus far undertaken.

If an instance of SCP-345-A is recovered, they are to immediately be taken into custody and sent to Site ██ for treatment by Dr. Narom. They will be debriefed on their current situation and either administered Class C amnestics or sent to Foundation educational facilities, depending on the subject’s reaction to the new information. Students from ██████████ High School who became instances of SCP-345-A have been known to prosper under Foundation instruction and eventually become Foundation researchers or agents themselves.

Description: SCP-345 is a highly anomalous phenomenon that has been occurring on the premises of ██████████ High School at ███ ████████ Street, ███ ████, ██ since the school’s relocation to the building in 199█. The event begins anew once the school year starts in September of each year. When class schedules are released for the new year, approximately 30 of them will, for an unknown reason, become spontaneously irregular. These schedules, distributed to students in their homerooms, are designated SCP-345-B and contain a class that does not exist. This mysterious class is always written with the instructor name “BRAUN,” as all ██████████ High School schedules include only the class teacher’s surnames in all caps. The room numbers included in instances of SCP-345-B have 10 variations, one for each of the school’s floors. The room number denotes a physical room that does not actually exist, usually being one above the highest existing room number for a given floor. Upon receiving an instance of SCP-345-B, a student will make one of two decisions: they will remark to themselves that they’ve never heard of a “BRAUN” in their school before and call their classmates’ attention to it in person or online, or they will not notice it and proceed with their instruction as normal. If the student makes the former choice, the instance of SCP-345-B will immediately transform into an ordinary class schedule. If the student, however, takes the latter path, they will become an instance of SCP-345-A.

Instances of SCP-345-A will behave in a similar fashion to other students of ██████████ High School, possessing incredibly high levels of performance anxiety and completing assignments on a downright neurotic basis. They will take part in all usual activities associated with attending high school, including participating in class, doing homework, and socializing with peers, but with one notable exception. Once they are scheduled to attend Mr. Braun’s class, they will make their way to what should be the physical location of the room number described on their schedule. Once the student reaches that spot, presumably a dead end or an empty stretch of hallway, they will disappear. They will then reappear in the same spot about 45 minutes later and continue with their school day, completely unaware of the strange event that had befallen them. Interestingly, this disappearance cannot be perceived by those nearby at the time, which indicates that SCP-345 has psychic effects.

Instances of SCP-345-A will not become self-aware unaided. They will never bring up the existence of Mr. Braun or his class to any other student unprompted, unless the other student is also an instance of SCP-345-A, which they can innately sense by unknown means. If another normal pupil asks them about their classes, however, they will divulge their attendance of Mr. Braun’s class, which, of course, they will not find strange in any way. If the other student insists that the teacher does not exist, SCP-345’s illusion will be broken. They will feel incredibly disoriented, and the next time they seek Mr. Braun’s class, they will be unable to find it. These students will typically look for a teacher’s assistance, who will refer them to the nurse after judging them to be unwell. This is when most instances of SCP-345-A are discovered by the Foundation’s undercover agent and are open for study.

The agent will thoroughly interrogate the student regarding Mr. Braun’s class, using queries given to them by Dr. Narom. After they have attained all the data they require, they will break the news to them that Mr. Braun does not exist. It is at this point that instances of SCP-345-A undergo their most trying experience. Initially, they will become increasingly agitated that they’ve been misinformed and try to convince the agent that they are wrong. Once they are convinced of the truth, however, they will be overcome with immense grief. They mimic the symptoms of one processing the loss of a loved one. Then, the agent will either welcome the student to the SCP Foundation or administer Class C amnestics, which will clear the student’s memory of their experience.

here are many similarities between the separate accounts of SCP-345-A. They will describe Mr. Braun as a very tall, older, Caucasian man with a slight paunch, bald head, and impressive mustache. Every time, they will describe his accent as very odd but are unable to offer any comparison to other known accents, such as a British or German one. They always find Mr. Braun to be incredibly likable and captivating and often describe him as their favorite teacher. The class Mr. Braun teaches, however, depends on the floor of the room number instances of SCP-345-A are given on their schedules[2]. These students often try to prove Mr. Braun’s existence, either by attempting to proffer assignments he has assigned, which they cannot find, or asking other students they’ve seen in his class, who have never heard of him[3]. They may try to produce their schedule, but before the agent can have a look at it, it reverts from SCP-345-B to a normal schedule.

Addendum A: Another means of discovering instances of SCP-345-A has been found. Once the school year has concluded, the highest performing students at ██████████ High School are taken in for questioning. Some of these students boast an unbelievably high grade for their regents or AP exams, which is a sign that they have attended Mr. Braun’s class (though reasons for this correlation are currently unknown). In these cases, students are often not informed that Mr. Braun does not exist, for they have completed their tenure of his class with no adverse effects and would only be hurt by the knowledge of the loss of their favorite teacher.

Addendum B: Numerous attempts to uncover SCP-345 by other means have failed. Instances of SCP-345-B have escaped all tries of interception by homeroom teachers. Though grades of students taking Mr. Braun’s class are recorded, no associated documents with them exist, and they are automatically submitted online under a different teacher’s name. Members of the 05 council have debated over whether a widespread survey of ██████████ students relating to SCP-345 would be worth the resulting attention to the phenomenon, especially because a news outlet, ███ ████ Post, favors ██████████ High School for content. But, the deliberations are still ongoing.

Addendum C: Dr. Narom is developing a new perspective on the true nature of SCP-345, one that states that Mr. Braun is in fact an existing entity. If this were the case, Mr. Braun could be deemed a Keter class being, possessing extraordinary dimensional and reality-warping abilities. Since the entity has been consistently described to have a sunny disposition, it might not be adverse to collaboration with the SCP Foundation. Further experiments have been devised to gather more information about SCP-345, such as creating nonexistent subjects at ██████████ High School for Mr. Braun to teach or attempting to have an SCP Foundation personnel enroll in his class.


[1]Agent █████ is currently serving as school nurse at ██████████ High School in order to funnel SCP-related information to the numerous other SCP Foundation personnel undercover at the school. Each of these agents have been specialized to deal with a specific SCP entity, and they follow a strict protocol specific to each specimen. Due to the increase of abnormal activity at ██████████ High School and the surrounding ███████ area, Dr. Narom has requested more researchers to join him at Site ██.

[2]For example, all classrooms on the school’s eighth floor are physics labs, so it is there that Mr. Braun teaches physics. Mr. Braun has been recorded teaching every class that is offered at ██████████ High School, including Forensics, Optics, AP Calculus, and Weightlifting. When a subject is discontinued at the school, Mr. Braun is no longer reported to teach it. One instance of SCP-345-A reported that he wept when Mr. Braun informed him that he would no longer be teaching Italian after his class.

[3]Every classmate referenced by an instance of SCP-345-A has been proven to not be another instance of SCP-345-A. When two instances of SCP-345-A discuss Mr. Braun’s class with each other, they will not consider his unusual characteristics, such as teaching diverse subjects, to be strange, and will forget the exchange immediately afterward. It is for this reason that SCP-345-A will not divulge other instances of themselves, so information about other instances can only be gleaned from intense scrutiny of camera data.