Theater Kids Form Ethnostate
Reading Time: 2 minutes
Terror and outrage have struck the student body of Stuyvesant as the demented and depraved group of individuals known as “Theater Kids” formed a republic and emancipated themselves from the school. The formation of what people are calling an “unholy union” has brought misery and horror to the other, non-self-hating students.
It all started last week when a mob of blue-haired, spontaneously-harmonizing dramatists overran the Student Union (SU) room. Shock spread quickly since the theater kids usually channeled their built-up rage and insecurity through song rather than brutal violence. Rumors of breakdowns at auditions and outrage due to “budget cuts” in the fall musical clearly couldn’t prepare anyone for the type of madness those heathens incited. When asked about the coup, most SU members refused to answer, with many saying the devastation was too overwhelming to recount. One brave soul racked their mind, eventually uttering, “Their kick line, their ungodly overacting… we couldn’t hold them. It was too much. Like, emotionally as well as physically, you know?”
The vicious actors then “staged” a Les Miserables-esque brigade, their painfully discordant voices emanating throughout the school halls, to the student body’s displeasure. A significant portion of the SU was taken hostage, some tortured by theater kids unafraid of out-of-tune belting. After tense negotiations with a frightened Mr. Polazzo as an intermediary, ransom in costumes and props was paid to the merciless theater kids.
After this demand was answered, the feared troupe moved westward toward the theater, like salmon swimming back to their birthplace. However, after hearing of this hostile takeover, the valiant members of The Spectator Humor Department formed a defensive pact with the Speech and Debate Team, the latter remarking, “They’re just us but gay!” and the former stating, “WE are the only disgruntled loudmouths to spew hackneyed lines!” This newly formed team, anticipating movement by the theater kids, erected a fortified stronghold outside the theater’s lower entrance. Unfortunately for this brave band, the devious STC came forth through the backstage entrance of the theater and ambushed their adversaries from behind. With a great number of theater kids moving at once, the SU to theater traverse is now said to be the bloodiest stage transition in history. After the massacre, the theater kids retreated back into their den of iniquity. Following this horrific series of events, STC's acronym was hastily changed from “Stuyvesant Theater Community” to “Student Theater Coalition” and was subsequently emancipated from the school.
Since then, an excessive amount of show tunes have come from the theater. “Not very good,” Ms. Shamazov remarked. Yet it is still unknown what utter inanities go on beyond those doors. Though nothing has been done yet, plans are being made in a partnership between the SU and the collective faculty to form a joint operation to take down the newly-formed STC. Hopefully, this effort will prove successful, though worries spread that the theater kids might expand to the rest of the school and institute their debaucherous rule. Hey, if it happened at LaGuardia, it could happen here too. However, the theater kids’ self-isolation may be their downfall; due to the newfound deprivation of both caffeine and parental support, they will not likely last very long.