The Tissue Wars

It has been a year since the Tissues declared war on the Human government on that fateful day. As yet another inanimate object, the Pencils, turns animate and declares war on humanity, we shall look back on the Tissue Wars to learn the lessons and prevent another trampling by these Mongol-like invaders.

November 26, 2026 — In an odd turn of events, Tissues—yes, the tissues we use when we sneeze and wipe our faces—have declared war on us. Their motive for this war is to “combat years of snotty abuse” by us humans. With flu cases rising, the Tissues have issued a manifesto demanding “full independence to stop tissue usage” and expressing that they’re “tired of having to deal with human sicknesses.” It seems to be a very tense situation with the Tissues, and we shall keep you posted.

November 27, 2026 — Following their manifesto from yesterday afternoon, the Tissues, led by Cleansie McTissueman, have captured Kleenex’s headquarters in Texas and declared a new independent country, the United States of the Tissues, in which anyone living within its borders is a Tissue citizen. To counter this new enemy, the human government has renamed their own country to the United States of the Humans-Not-Tissues of America, in order to “distance themselves from the fibery sheets that have intruded on our great nation.” However, other than ruining their own country’s name, the government has not taken any steps to address the situation. All the government has said is that they have “plans, great plans, plans that are better than any other plans the world has ever seen.” It doesn’t inspire confidence when all your government has to offer are mysterious “plans.”

December 25, 2026 — As people wake up on Christmas Day, more troubling news arrives from the front line. The Tissues have made significant progress against the Humans, and much of Texas is now under Tissue control. They overran all the troops in the Dallas area using speedy horses made of tissue. The Tissues are conquering Texas incredibly quickly, as quickly as the Mongols did in Asia *insert Mongoltage.*

The federal government has tried to use military force to break into the Tissues’headquarters, but a huge wall of interlocking tissues has stopped all bullets, troops, and tanks. Air attacks have all been stopped by a huge swarm of pellets made of highly condensed tissue. Texans have become increasingly discontent about the government’s futile efforts and have started to impatiently protest for more military presence. 

Meanwhile, in New York, due to the record number of tissues used for COVID, RSV, and the flu, a separate uprising has been started by Lotioned Pufferson, who is widely believed to have come from the Puff’s Plus Lotion Tissue faction but has been very outspoken about wanting to ally with the Kleenex armies. He has claimed much of Staten Island. However, New York officials do not seem too worried about Staten Island, claiming that Staten Island is “not important” and is “basically part of New Jersey.” 

February 14, 2027 — The situation is getting worse. Many humans’ mental fortitudes have crumbled. The Tissues have conquered most of the Southern states, and people are going crazy. For instance, some Californians decided to set fire to a bunch of tissues to help the war effort. Unfortunately for them, they forgot that wildfires exist, so California is burning again. The Tissues somehow caught those Californians and charged them with arson. Apparently, the Tissues have a judicial system too—and a quick one at that—because the next day, the Californians were in the gulag. At least they didn’t have to wait three million years?

In Texas, a group of conspiracy theorists who don’t believe that the Tissues are actually alive taunted them by destroying tissue boxes in front of the Tissue base. As a result, Tissue troops immediately swarmed and mummified the conspiracy theorists. Yes, mummify, because they’re tissues. Because humans are stupid, other conspiracy theorists and the Human government blamed Egypt for helping the Tissues mummify people, and now Egypt does not exist anymore via a little-known weapon called the nuclear bomb. Ah yes, the good old human thought process. The Tissues could never replace us because they wouldn’t go about eliminating entire countries.

Meanwhile, the Human government is useless against the Tissues. They keep claiming that they already won the war, despite that not being quite accurate. Because Washington D.C. has been conquered, the government moved the capital to Iowa, claiming that Iowa is “safe from Tissue invasion due to its unique quality of uselessness,” just like the government itself. Vegans who were scared of hurting living Tissues also moved to Iowa because they trust the government, and they get unlimited corn!

Weirdly enough, New York City has not fallen yet. Staten Island has been a Tissue stronghold for months, but Manhattan and Brooklyn have not staged a single attempt to conquer them. It’s probably because it takes five hours to get anywhere from Staten Island.

April 1, 2027 — Horrible news is coming from Nebraska, in the city (how can we consider anything in Nebraska a city?) of Omaha. After annexing most of the cornfields in Nebraska, the Tissues completely surrounded Omaha and started to lay siege on the approximately five tall buildings that exist there. Their siege tactics included chucking large globules of their dead and dirty Tissue brethren into the city *insert Mongoltage.* Omaha eventually succumbed to the pressure, and in punishment for their resistance, the Tissues mummified everyone in the buildings and the buildings themselves.

June 22, 2027 — Today there is good news because the Tissue Wars are over! In the end, the Tissues conquered most of the lower 48 states. However, the Tissues decided not to invade Iowa (because it’s Iowa) and Maine (because they wanted to annoy the Human government by making their country non-contiguous). The states under the Tissues have enjoyed huge economic growth, though, because the Tissues removed all tariffs and promoted more trade. However, Cleansie McTissueman has died, and the factions have split the Tissue empire into many Tissuenates (Kleenex, Puffs, Charmin Ultra Soft, Charmin Ultra Strong, Charmin Ultra Gentle, and Charmin Ultra Soft Ultra Strong Ultra Gentle Mega XXL Very Clean Amazing Great Bear Bear) *insert Mongoltage.* 

Now that everything’s peaceful, let’s hope nothing else suddenly comes alive and starts a war with us. Thanks for reading Spectator Humor, a news source that would never jinx something and ruin the world.