The Suffering of the Rollerbagging Community

An “in-depth study” of the recent epidemic of rolling bags plaguing the Stuyvesant community.

Reading Time: 2 minutes

To the entire Stuyvesant community, roller bags are a curse like no other. Snatching unsuspecting students' feet in the hallways. Taking up half the staircase as they struggle to climb them. Turning the school into the airport with their reign of wheeled tyranny. Stuyvesant is suffering from a plague of rolling bags. The recent influx of students using roller bags—Rollerbaggers, as they have dubbed themselves—have made transportation in this school nearly impossible. But in a shocking new development, the Rollerbagger community has responded to these accusations.

A testimony from Leo Smulansky, a pioneer of the movement, reads as follows: “How do you think we feel when you mock us for our bags with wheels on them? Why must we be tormented for our laziness and lack of social conformity? We want to feel special and know that we are better than everyone else. This school needs to stop the oppression of Rollerbaggers! The administrators do nothing to help us either! Can’t they see we are the future?” (It has been noted that this particular Rollerbagger was a freshman.)

Another Rollerbagger, who wishes to remain anonymous in fear of persecution, remarked, “The kids in this school have no respect for us Rollerbaggers. Forget dealing with the annoyances who shout homophobic slurs in the hallways! We need to demand the rights we deserve!” The Rollerbagger was promptly interrupted by a sophomore chasing after her with a murderous look in his eyes. Said Rollerbagger then appeared in school four days later with a broken arm. The Spectator declines to comment on this specific event.

However, on the opposing side, many people were outraged that Rollerbaggers would even begin to demand rights such as exclusive access to their own personal staircase. “This is a school, not an airport,” junior Kathryn Jano commented. “People rolling their bags should roll on out of Stuyvesant!” shouted another junior before finger gunning and quickly retreating. “It's not a backpack,” snapped outraged freshman Christopher Liu when asked about using a roller bag. “It's a freaking suitcase!” Some Rollerbaggers hate themselves as well. “Listen, man, I didn’t want this. Living as a Rollerbagger sucks.”

Despite the majority of Stuyvesant hating them, Rollerbaggers continue to be an endless nuisance to anyone with a functional brain. There have been calls to ban these satanic devices of foot torture, all of which have been ignored by the administration because of a larger focus on “fixing the escalators.” However, seeing as many Rollerbaggers are slowly disappearing without a trace, we may find that our savior is local Stuyvesant Sniper Mr. Choubaralian.

The Spectator continues to keep a heavy eye on this continuously escalating conflict between Rollerbaggers and humans, as tensions may turn into full-scale revolution if we aren’t careful.