The Stuy That Cried Fire

Those of you who unfortunately have a 10th period class or choose to stay after school (why?!) are probably aware of the fire “drill” we recently had for seemingly no reason. Or, as the school would have us believe, a “mechanical issue with the elevator.” 

If you’ve been reading the Weekly Update emails (why?!), you'll also know that this so-called elevator issue has caused an estimate of 101,326 drills in the past two years. The Humor Department knew there was no way that the elevators caused all the fires, so we went around interviewing people for their opinions on the event. 

“It was a student, it had to be. I mean, I get it. I’ve thought a thousand times about leaving class and pulling the alarm just to escape,” junior Burney Down said. “I got to skip a whole 10 minutes of AP Chem lab—I really, really hate that acid lab. Maybe next time, they’ll set an actual fire so I can go home early!”

“Wait, what do you mean?! Who would do that?” a passerby demanded, who we later identified as freshman Sir Sparkeys. 

“There was an actual fire set by a student—it wasn’t a fake drill! I don’t know what the kid’s name is, but he had neon purple hair,” Sparkeys continued. 

“Purple hair…THAT KID’S IN MY AP CHEM CLASS! I guess somebody does hate the acid lab more than me,” Down remarked. “Then again, I think he spilled 12 molar HCl on his hands—that’d be enough to drive anyone to arson.”

“Holy [EXPLETIVE], why can’t the school just get rid of the [EXPLETIVE] elevators?! The teachers can take the escalators like the rest of us! I missed half my world test, and [NAME REDACTED], that little [EXPLETIVE] [EXPLETIVE] didn’t even give us extra time to make up for it!” sophomore Len Smokey ranted. 

“It was all fun and games till I remembered I left my TI-84 in my locker,” sophomore Firezz Ahamed recalled. “If the school burned down, I would have had to stop buying anime merch to pay for a new one—how tragic.” 

“All fun and games?!” a haggard freshman replied. “I had swim gym! I was standing outside in 10 degree weather in nothing but a speedo and goggles! The hypothermia set in before my chlorinated hair gel did!” 

“I don’t really care about the drill, but I bet the next time Stuyvesant reports a fire, the fire department is going to send us a ‘sorry for your loss’ card and ghost us like a girl who just discovered her boyfriend doesn’t know the difference between ‘your’ and ‘you’re.’ And then the school might actually burn down. Honestly, that doesn’t sound too bad, especially if I can get out of my English presentation,” junior Blaze Ing commented. “Maybe I can use the card for my minutes gift.”

Despite all these plausible theories, we're certain that none of them are true. In fact, our funniest, most amazing humor writer, Diya Mallu, put forth the idea that it might have in fact been a teacher who pulled the alarm. Since she is so majestic and smart, unsurprisingly, Mallu’s theory was correct. 

A week after we interviewed students, the full truth came to light, during a morning announcement from Principal Seung Yu. “Due to many false alarms, the New York City Fire Department has decided that they will no longer respond to calls from Stuyvesant High School. In light of this, the person who pulled the fire alarm—yes, it was a person—decided to confess out of guilt and will be delivering an apology,” Dr. Yu was recorded saying. 

“It was me,” a weary Mr. Moran admitted after Dr. Yu handed him the mic. “I was only worried about you guys…I didn’t want anybody unprepared in case there ever was a real fire. I’m- I’m so, so sorry—”

“That’s good, thanks, Brian. Have a Freakified Furrylicious Friday, Stuy!” Dr. Yu exclaimed after pulling the mic away from Moran. 

“I wasn’t done yet!” Moran barked. “Don’t you know not to interrupt me when I’m speaking?! That’s a suspension for you!” He and Dr. Yu proceeded to grapple over the microphone, causing ear-splitting feedback heard by Elon Musk on Mars. 

“I am the only one at this school who can suspend people!” Yu screamed, grabbing the mic’s wire. “Me, ONLY MEEEEEE!” 

“Then I will threaten—I mean ask—the superintendent!” Moran exploded, shoving Dr. Yu out of the room and locking the door. 

“Let me in, Brian! It’s not too late—we can work this out! It doesn’t have to end like this!” Dr. Yu wailed in the background. 

“Well, that’s enough of that. The only thing I’m sorry for is that I was caught by that snooping Dr. Seung Yu!” Moran whined. 

“I was so tired of confiscating airpods that I thought, ‘What if I pull the alarm?!’ The entire reason headsets are banned is for your own safety! I don’t care if you’re only wearing one airpod and saying ‘Mr. Moran, I can still hear alarms! In fact, I can hear you screaming at me!’ ‘Oh Mr. Moran, I’m sorry. I thought only wearing one was okay.’ INGRATES, ALL OF YOU!!” Principal Yu finally managed to unlock the door. He ripped the mic out of Moran’s hands. 

“I should fire you for what you’ve done!” Dr. Yu snapped. 

“No, NO! Principal Yu, could you ever forgive me?!” shrieked Mr. Moran. “I can’t ever leave this school! There are too many phones to confiscate!” After a long silence, the pair managed to calm themselves. 

“I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed,” sighed Dr. Yu. “I suppose you can keep your job. If I fired you, The Spectator Humor Department would just start bullying me instead.”