The Stuy Confessions Pages Are Beefing

As more and more confession pages for the school pop up, only one can be on top…

Reading Time: 3 minutes

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By Joanna Meng

The unmistakable thundering applause created an electricity that could not be mistaken—these were the sounds of a boxing match. Thousands were in the crowd, all donning colors and flags for the fight of the century. The competitors stepped into the ring, and silence washed over the stadium.

It all started the previous Monday. Two freshmen accidentally walked into the Hudson staircase, where they stumbled across a “party” with people dressed in bowler hats strewn all across the dimly lit floor. After apologizing profusely and stumbling out, one muttered to the other, “I gotta submit this to Stuy Confessions.” But they pulled out their phones and opened… Facebook?

“Wait, isn’t Stuy Confessions on Instagram?”

“Oh yeah, what’s the username again, @stuyvesantconfessions?”

“No, I mean @stuy._confessions.”

“Like @stuy.freshie.confessions?”

“Wait what, I thought it was @stuyspicyconfessions?”

The list went on, and on, and on. The whole student body was in shambles trying to figure out where their loyalties lay. Which was the true Stuyvesant High School drama page? And why were half the posts on all the accounts about not having a girlfriend? So many mysteries yet so little time. Friendships were ended over which account people pledged allegiance to. The school was divided into sides. Brawls, vandalism, and boycotts ensued, until our beloved school mascot Peter Stuyvesant’s ghost took to Twitter to address the situation.

“Boooo… Stop fighting guys <3 This isn’t you OwO.”

- Tweeted From My iPhone 8 or Whatever They Had in the 1600s

Now back to the day of the boxing match. The students eliminated any fake pages until only the best two were left. The fight began. As we waited impatiently for the reveal, a figure stepped into the ring… Principal Yu? He runs one of the Stuy Confessions pages? Dressed in one of his signature catboy maid outfits, he waited for his opponent to appear (he was also floating in the air and glowing bright blue, but that’s just a thing Principal Yu does sometimes). On the other side of the ring, a hooded figure stepped up to the stage. Nobody could recognize him at first. He towered at an impressive five feet and seven inches, which is way taller than the average Stuy kid. Could this be an imposter? Whispers rumbled throughout the crowd until the challenger whipped his mask off. “DREAM?” The crowd collectively shouted.

“Yes, it is I. I am here to face the one who dares challenge my place as supreme leader of the student body,” Dream exclaimed.

The crowd surged forward, trying to get a glimpse of the internet microcelebrity. Principal Yu started cackling, a dangerous light glinting in his eyes.

“Haha… my nemesis. We have been at odds for centuries. And if this is how it ends, then so be it,” Yu said. They both walked onto the center of the platform, all eyes on them. The audience waited with bated breath, for only one of them was to make it out alive.

Instead of turning it into a full-on brawl, both rapidly took out school Chromebooks and logged into their respective Stuy Confessions accounts. The pressure was on.

principal yu (@stuyconfessions369) posted: dream is stinky and lives with his parents. His jawline is also so stupid like it’s so sexy I would just love to frame his jawline and have it on my bedside it’s so sexy I mean stupid haha.

dreaf (@realtribecabridge) posted: you’re just mad mr moran stood you up on your weekly date to hot topic this week

principal yu (@stuyconfessions369) posted: don’t you dare bring mr moran into this… you look like one of the chambers street mcdonalds employees and i got that button up shirt gray sweater vest drip

dreaf (@realtribecabridge) posted: you don’t stand a chance against me and my twitter stans. you’re going down.

principal yu (@stuyconfessions369) posted: ur mom

The audience gasped. The umpire blew the whistle.

Principal Yu reigned victorious.

Long live @stuyconfessions369.