The Spectator Investigates the Disbandment of the Big Sib Program
The sudden shutdown of the Big Sib program has led to much confusion amongst the student body.
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The recent shutdown of the Big Sib Program has caused great confusion within the student body. Amidst rumors of food poisoning and break-ins at Mr. Moran’s office, The Spectator investigated the issue.
The situation was first brought to the attention of The Spectator by an e-mail from the Big Sib Chairs 2023-2024 sent to the class of 2026.
We resign from our position of being excellent role models, effective immediately.
Naturally, this led to much confusion amongst the class of 2026, not because they were distraught at the thought of losing their beloved Big Sibs, but because they were Little Sibs no longer. In fact, they had passed the crying-over-90s stage only five months earlier.
“When I got that e-mail, I was supa excited,” sophomore Trai Hawd said. “I thought Big Sib applications came out early.”
“Being a Big Sib is the easiest way to freshie-hunt, you know,” Hawd told The Spectator with a wink.
Moments after the first e-mail was sent, another e-mail landed in the inboxes of the Big Sibs.
“Dearest big baddies,
Please return your T-shirts to locker 3-45, combo 91-10-00. You will be officially relieved of your Big Sib duties once you have done so.
And BREAK (forever this time woohoo!)
A senior, who wished to remain anonymous, explained the rationale behind the T-shirt recall. “I’m tight with the Big Sib Chairs, and one of them told me that they’re going to return the T-shirts and use the money to pay their college tuition.”
But why was all of this happening in the first place?
It started with the Big Sib/Little Sib dance that took place on Friday, November 10 from 4:30-6:30 p.m. It was supposed to be an innocent evening of bonding, snacking, and questionable dancing; no one could have predicted the spectacle that ensued.
Our trustworthy sources—who may or may not be fellow Humor writers—informed us of a shocking turn of events: alcohol infiltrated the party. It is unclear which students snuck it in, but when Mr. Moran found some tipsy freshmen trying to pick the lock to his office, he was NOT amused. Within minutes, he closed the school building, promised disciplinary consequences for all those who were present, and disbanded the Big Sib program forever.
Only time will tell if the Big Sib program will be revived. But until then, no longer will incoming classes have enthusiastic, well-rested Big Sibs to greet them in their homerooms, and no longer will the faculty be able to rely on free child labor for various school tasks. The void left in the absence of the Big Sib program will undoubtedly be felt by the entire school community, but we look forward to the innovations and initiatives that will emerge to fill it in.