The Spec College Department

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You wouldn’t feel quite at home if, every now and then, you didn’t stress about your future, contemplate whether you’re better off working at a halal cart or going to college, and panic about which bridge you’re going to live under after your parents disown you because you didn’t make it to an Ivy League school. Try-hards will be delighted to hear that The Spectator is opening a brand new department in order to relieve this stress: Spec College!

In every issue, the College department will feature one club or activity at Stuyvesant with the sole purpose of giving a student’s transcript a much-needed glow up. These can range from low-bar, unknown clubs like Model UN, MSA, Future Physicians, etc. to the Big Three: Red Cross, Robotics, and ARISTA—otherwise known as the clubs your parents nag you to join because their friend’s daughter’s sister’s hamster was the president of these clubs and got into Columbia. The writers never fail to deliver career-ending roasts to the unfortunate club whose turn has come.

Take, for example, Stuy Smile, a club that the College department featured in its most recent issue: it was violated for its 76 board members. “Bro, I’m just trying to get into college, and I need a board position,” said world-renowned try-hard junior Mohamed Eleish, who was featured in the issue. “I don’t care if half the school also has one; leave me alone,” he said. Backlash to such violation has gotten so intense that the writers now have personal bodyguards to follow them around school in response to the hundreds of “Battery Park after 10th” threats from various pissed off board members.

But this hasn’t put a stop to the College department’s crazed antics, as it continued to target clubs such as Stuyvesant Cryptocurrency. “If this isn’t a desperate attempt to pull a fast one on MIT admissions, I don’t know what is. The board may as well rename the club ‘I made this club to look good for college club,’” corrupt Spec College editor Ahmed Hussein said.

Quite recently, the Society of Hardworking Scholars Willing to Sacrifice their Mental Health to Cop a Harvard Full Scholarship (SHSWSMHCHFS, or SMH for short) has been rising in popularity within the Stuyvesant community. The College department writers saw the opportunity to violate this club and immediately began writing its next installment faster than a sprinting freshman who’s late to first period. They did not disappoint, especially with the newest interview. “The club is just a bunch of brain-dead try-hards who meet up in the library and ask questions about their grades,” freshman Andy Lin said. “One asked if his 70 on a homework assignment from freshman year would hinder their chances of getting into an Ivy. If you ask me, I’d have a better chance of finding my school supplies than getting into one with the help of this club,” Lin said.