The Only Three Tips You’ll Need to Tackle Those Finals With

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With the end of first semester drawing near, it seems apparent that there aren’t many more opportunities left to raise those disgusting, dishonorable averages of yours. Not to mention finals, which are lurking just around the corner waiting to pounce on your grades. Lucky for you, The Spectator has provided several essential tips that just might finally make that imaginary math average of yours a real number (it’ll probably still be failing horrendously, but at least there will be a number to show your parents, right?) or at the very least guarantee you a passing, if not perfect, score to flex on those fools who thought that they were too good to read these tips.

Sleep Until You’ve Transcended the Existing Wisdom of This Universe

In fact, sleeping is more important than studying so there’s no need to study at all to prepare for your finals. Scientific studies have shown that sleeping at least eight hours a day helps improve learning and memory. By what this research has shown, it can safely be concluded that if you just sleep a lot in the days leading up to your finals, your memory and mental capacity should increase to a level beyond godlike.

Thus, it’s encouraged for you to sleep as much as possible during the days leading up to your finals. Why even bother studying when you’ll just *remember* the information that you learned, like, three months ago? Within no time, you’ll have the mental storage capabilities rivalling Google’s Database, an efficiency greater than Amazon Prime, and such an exceeding memory that you might actually even be able to remember the last time you obtained a 100 on a test (oh yeah, when was that again?). And if you happen to forget something during the test, no worries! Take a quick nap and it should all be coming back to you in no time!

Break Your Legs For Luck (...and maybe rack up some pity points from your teacher)

Now, you’ve got all these useless textbooks and workbooks laying around that you’re not going to use for studying…so what to do? Well luckily, that five-pound AP Bio Textbook you’ve got there also happens to function as a great cinder block substitute to break your own tibia with. Pain (hope you have insurance) in exchange for a greater chance of success and good luck? It’s a win-win situation! The pain you endure will only make you stronger...and if you happen to get a scar, that’s +3 coolness points! You may even break a few more bones in the process as a bonus, if the amount of force applied is great enough; obviously by common sense, it should go without saying that the more seriously your leg is broken, the more effective this strategy will be! Also, it’s recommended, to be safe, that you break both of your legs to increase your probability by twofold in case one leg sacrifice wasn’t enough.

As another added bonus, in the time you will spend being immobilized, you could focus on much more important matters: sleeping 24 hours a day as you recover.

If you want to really guarantee as high a score as possible on that final, however, be prepared to put up a dramatic live reenactment when you return. Before you take the final, show off how you sustained your unfortunate injury whilst dueling a house burglar and how you selflessly refused to give up your textbooks (or whichever material that relates to your class) despite the threat of death to demonstrate your responsibility and devotion to knowledge. Your teacher will likely be impressed and may even sympathize...but to really seal the deal and guarantee yourself that secret curve on the final, adding in a sob story about your tragic childhood and unsuccessful love life doesn’t hurt either.

Assert Complete Dominance Over Your Stress

After adequate sleeping and breaking (both) your legs, there’s still one obstacle between you and that perfect final score: stress. No matter how prepared you might be, stress will screw you up. The problem is, stress is a demon that resides within us all. So what’s the strategy to defeating an incarnation that is literally you? One method is to beat yourself up—remember that textbook you used earlier? It can break more than just tibias. However, The Spectator recommends a less painful method, which is asserting your dominance over stress.

You’ll want to begin by locating a body-length mirror. It is advised that you mentally prepare yourself before you look into the mirror as what you will see is not for the faint of heart. Once you gaze into the mirror you will be met with a grotesque and disturbing demonic creature that is clearly out of shape with deep eyebags and—oh wait, nevermind, that’s just you. Then, like any other adversary, you’ll want to challenge it to a Fornite Battle Royale; be sure to boast about your Fortnite tutors and flex your total solo victories. After you effortlessly win, spread your arms and position yourself in a T-pose while repeating aloud to the mirror that you, not stress, are in charge of yourself. Finally, and most importantly, you’ll want to relieve yourself on the mirror (yes, that’s right…go ahead). It’s the ultimate form of dominance and is completely foolproof. Remember to lift your leg as high as possible whilst doing so and you should feel your body ascending beyond this plane and into the fourth dimension (there’s no stress in the fourth dimension). Ultimately, you’ll end up without stress and with a pretty disgusting and foul-smelling mirror instead.