The Official Spectator Guide to Infiltrating Area 51

As September 20 approaches, millions of patriotic Americans are preparing to storm Area 51, under the rallying cry of “Let’s see them aliens.” But only some of us are going to be chilling with our new extraterrestrial friends—others are going to be the Kyles who die in the first wave. So we here at The Spectator Humor HQ have compiled a list of tips for how you can ensure that you make it into the alien vaults of Area 51.

- Fill the 11th floor pool with Mountain Dew and declare it a Kyle-fueling zone.
- Yeet a fish into the ocean.
- Befriend a Naruto runner and ride them into battle while flinging Dorito shurikens.
- Become a Naruto runner yourself.
- Perform Kage Bunshin no Jutsu and let the clones carry you.
- Dirt-block your way up to the world limit and then use a bucket to spawn a waterfall that you can use to enter the fort.
- Grow a neckbeard and use your chivalry and fedora to m’lady your way into the base.
- Build a Nether Portal and use that to easily get inside the fort.
- Ender-pearl over the wall/through the fence.
- Using the dirt block tower from earlier, drop some TNT to B L A S T that wall open.
- Bring a Karen with you in case you get hungry or need a cannon fodder/bad wine mom jokes.
- Tell the guards to “go commit rooftop fall” and use their confusion to break through the defenses.
- Alternatively, seduce the guards.
- Start shouting “Creeper! Aww maan…” to unify the masses under one mantra.
- Bring a semi-full cup of bubble tea and rally Subtle Asian Traits minions to join the cause.
- Use big brain stonks to buy out Area 51 and deport the military.
- Render the military useless by playing the Cha Cha Slide, thereby forcing them to dance to it.
- Stand in front of the soldiers and do it to ‘em.
- Hand the officers a Pepsi, preferably while blasting loud Kpop music.
- Hit them with that ddu-ddu-du.
- Blind the military with vape smoke (and suffocate them with the scent of pineapple and mango).
- Channel the power of the Old Town Road when riding your horse through the crowds.
- If all else fails, call upon the furries to uwu the enemy into submission.
- The weebs will serve as the frontline, using their waifu pillows as shields.
- Hire their cousins, the otakus, to defend you with their katanas. Keep in mind: payment must be in limited edition to-scale action figures (and body pillows).
- Once their defenses have been shattered, feel free to have the aliens run amok!
- To leave, steal a UFO and fly home or fly to your alien lover’s home world.
- If you choose the latter, die on that planet after you realize you haven’t packed any oxygen. Wanna know why intergalactic relationships -don’t work well? That’s why.
- Bring in the gym teachers and have them storm the area while yelling “My grandma could run faster than you snails!” The soldiers will then experience extreme PTSD flashbacks from their old gym classes and cease fire.
- Convince the president that there’s a hurricane in the area. Don’t worry, the aliens will be fine.
- Alternatively, convince the president that the aliens of Area 51 are coming in illegally.

(Spec Humor is not responsible for any of the following occurring to you: death, injury, madness, confiscation of your phone and/or Starbucks coffee by Area 51 guards, Gamer Juice Syndrome, retirement, unretirement, extreme death, or alien child support.)