The (Near) Destruction of Mercury

Hello, and welcome to another episode of Super Stupid Solar System Stories! Today, we will cover the near destruction of Mercury and the cosmic changes that followed the event.

*Cue galactic intro music*

Five billion years from now…

Earth: Everyone! Quick! We must hold an emergency meeting right now!

Jupiter: What is it now? The last time you called for a meeting was for an insignificant nuclear bomb crisis caused by your humans. Did your humans manage to incinerate another city?

Earth: No, it’s much worse than that. The sun is expanding, and she’s about to incinerate Mercury. We have to interfere—Mercury would never be able to find a solution all by himself.

Saturn: Well, that’s not my problem. Mercury is, like, 0.00000017 light-years away.

Earth: But we’re the United Nations, I mean, the United Planets. We solve every problem and every conflict that has ever happened and never fail to enforce intergalactic law.

Venus: Yeah, if we don’t save Mercury, Earth, and I will be in deep trouble too.

Jupiter: Well, you’re basically a sun anyway. You will be merging with your fellow sister. Unfortunately for me, I’m not part of the powerful sun because of Saturn.

Saturn: That was nine billion years ago! And it saved the solar system from destruction! If I hadn’t stopped you from swallowing all of the rocks in the inner solar system, Mercury, Venus, Earth, and Mars wouldn’t be here to pay their reparations from the Interplanetary War.

Earth: Those stupid reparations! It’s impossible to pay that much! You guys only want to expand your illegal empires.

Jupiter: See, Saturn? If you had just let me eat up everything, we wouldn’t have to listen to their whining.

Mars: WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?!

*A whole brawl starts between the planets.*

Mercury: We can’t solve anything if we don’t stop fighting.

Venus (to Saturn): YOU BIG STORM-COVERED RINGED-UP GAS BALL.

Saturn (to Mars): YOU LITTLE ROVER-PROBED BIG-VOLCANOED RED ROCK.

*Mercury looks on despairingly. Pluto attempts to console him.*

Pluto: I’m sorry, bro. I understand what it feels like to be neglected by the big guys.

Mercury: *sighs* Yeah, it sucks. If only they could agree on something and cooperate. It seems like my fate is sealed. 

Pluto: Don’t give up hope just yet. We, dwarves, can find a way too.

Mercury: But your Dwarf Planet Treaty Organization has about as many conflicts as the United Planets. You guys can’t even figure out who’s a dwarf planet and who’s not.

Pluto: Yeah, that’s a fair point. The second we meet up, Ceres is going to argue that Salacia is not big enough, and Sedna is going to go off about how Máni is big enough to join. Heck, we haven’t held a real meeting since five billion years ago when those stupid humans on Earth decided not to make me a full planet! 

Mercury: Calm down, Pluto, the last thing we need is another feud. 

Pluto: I’m sorry, Mercury. It’s so frustrating that I can’t help. We’ve been friends for so long… so long, ever since the other planets made fun of our sizes. *starts crying* I just don’t… don’t want you to… to leave me.

Mercury: It’s ok, Pluto. Your whole speech has given me hope. We will find a way.

Pluto: But who else is there to turn to?

Mercury: The Moon Union.

*Pluto and Mercury enter the Moon Union meeting. All the moons are chatting in hurried tones.*

Titan (Saturn’s biggest moon): Now that those stupid planets are in another interplanetary war, they’re really using us up for their war effort.

Callisto (one of Jupiter’s moons): Yeah, we'd better get them to sign another peace treaty that they will definitely not break before we become no more than an asteroid.

Pluto: Hello, moonies. As you all know, Mercury is in huge trouble, but the big planets went boxing and are ineffective. Can you guys please help?

Ganymede (Jupiter’s biggest moon): Yeah, we would, but you know, those damn planets took all the resources.

THE Moon: Exactly. Those humans especially mined out all my resources. From being a barren rock, I’ve become a barren rock! And now, I’m asked to help out a planet?

Mercury: I know I’m a planet, but I’m not like the rest of them. I don’t fight, and I don’t have any moons. I’m even small enough to be a moon! Please, guys, please. There’s only a million years left.

Ganymede: Absolutely, we always give our best effort.

999,990 years later…

Mercury: Ok, Moon Union, what’s your plan? I can really feel the heat now.

Ganymede: Uh, our plan is… to ask the sun nicely to stop.

Mercury: WHAT?! You’ve wasted all this time just to come up with the weakest possible solution? YOU’RE NO BETTER THAN THOSE PLANETS YOU COMPLAIN ABOUT!

Ganymede: Okay, okay, we’re going to find something in nine years.

Mercury: You better…

Nine years later…

Ganymede: We’ve got something, Mercury.

Mercury: It better be good.

Ganymede: We’ve created a giant wall covering the sun, over 20 million miles thick. The sun won’t be able to burn through. 

Mercury: Uh… how does this mass not pull me in gravitationally?

Ganymede: Uh… we warped spacetime to make sure this doesn’t happen.

Mercury: Uh… doesn’t that create a wormhole?

Ganymede: Uh… I think so.

Meanwhile, in the asteroid belt:

Random Asteroid #1: Hey, what is that?

Random Asteroid #2: That looks like a hole.

Random Asteroid #1: Hey, why am I being sucked into it?

Random Asteroid #2: That looks like a wormhole.

Random Asteroid #1: Uh oh…

Random Asteroids #1, #2, #3, #4, #5, … #74589: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

*Mercury and Ganymede hear the screams.*

Ganymede: Ehhh… just a minor side effect.

Mercury: Well, thanks for saving me!

Jupiter: Hey, you, Ganymede. Did you just save the pain-in-the-great-red-spot Mercury by making a wall so large it needed some spacetime warping that caused a wormhole in the asteroid belt that made 74,589 of my asteroids and pet rocks vanish?

Ganymede: Yes, I did, and I was right to do it. 

Jupiter: What do you mean, you were right to do it? You ruined so much of our solar system! I’m especially mad because you took away my favorite rock, Random Asteroid #42!

Ganymede: Says the one who took away other moons’ building materials, attempted to kill the inner solar system, and now wants Mercury to perish in the sun.

Jupiter: That’s it! You know fully well that it is forbidden to criticize your father planet. I’m swallowing you, Ganymede.

Ganymede: That’s enough for me, too! I declare a revolution!

And thus began the Lunar Revolution. The moons, Pluto, and Mercury were on one side, and the planets, asteroid belt, and the irrelevant humans were on the other. However, it was a very short fight. The moons had numbers on their side and defeated the planets in 28 days. As punishment, Jupiter was sent into the sun, while the other planets were expelled into outer space. The irrelevant humans were forced to mine the asteroid belt. The moon-led solar system was a very peaceful one. There were no more wars…until the Asteroid Revolution, when Random Asteroid #74,590 led the rebellion of the rocks against the oppressive moons. But that will be covered next time on Super Stupid Solar System Stories, and you can listen to other exciting celestial tales wherever you get your podcasts.