The Kid Who Put It on God

Adapted from “Aesop’s Fables for the 21st Century”

Once upon a time, there lived a hella brainrotted guy in some random town in Ohio. The town was really small, like, smaller than Vexbolt’s follower count after the Mass Unfollowing. This guy still follows Vexbolt, but he tells all his friends that he was the first one to unfollow him. Since his town was so small, all he could do was go to school (the only other places in his town are a church and a gas station) and scroll short-form content all day. 

One day, when he and his boys were posted up in the lunchroom, watching TikToks (because he watches Instagram Reels, TikToks, and YouTube Shorts), he came upon a really fire TikTok. It was about how Kai Cenat caused a riot in Manhattan because he said he was going to give out free PS5s. It was the most sigma male thing he’s ever seen anyone do, which gave him a very good idea. 

In his small Ohio town and his even smaller school, he was something of a niche internet microcelebrity through his awesome crypto schemes. So, the next day, he told everyone that he had gotten a PS5 from Kai Cenat. Everyone gathered around him like he was the alpha and they were the betas, and they asked him in disbelief:

“Really? From Kai Cenat?” a short king inquired.

“But I saw on Reels that he ran away and hit like 20 guys!” some other gooner yelled.

“No way, you’re capping!” his tall homie complained. 

As he was gaining an unprecedented amount of aura, he realized he was too lost in the sauce now, so to not lose the aura he just got, he had to convince these NPCs that he really wasn’t capping. 

“No! I promise I got the PS5! You can come to my house to see it! I’ll bring it next week, I promise! On god!” And so they believed him, for he was the alpha. 

A few days later, winter vacation started, so he had a lot of time to watch as much short-form content as he could. He got introduced to the idea of a “Winter Arc,” and he started looksmaxxing and mewing immediately. It didn’t really work though, so he had to find something else. Luckily, Squid Game Season Two came out, and he had an idea on how he could use it to aura farm. When everyone went back to school, he sat down at the lunch table again and told everyone zestily that he had been in the Squid Games.

“Guys! Guys! Did you see me in the Squid Games? I was in the games! I won against the salesman in ddakji, and he hooked me up with the number. I was part of the rebellion, but I escaped before the guards could slime me.” He bragged, all delulu.

This time, they looked at him with some suspicion. Like he was an imposter… an imposter among them. First, he got a PS5 from Kai Cenat, and now he’s in the Squid Games? There’s just no way! It’s giving sus vibes… 

An NPC-looking kid, probably here to hear about what he did this time, said while laughing, “Dude, are you capping again? Even if you did get in, how could you escape? You had an F in gym class! And how did you go to Korea and come back in a week when your family is broke?” 

“No, bruh, you don’t get it! I was on my winter arc, and you know the F students are inventors. They don’t listen to the rules, and that’s why they’re sigmas! And my family is stacked!” He said, using the words he had seen from his morning scroll sesh (short for session).  

“But, like, how can we trust you?” The same lil bro asked, before looking like he got blessed with a fire idea. “If you were there, you should be able to tell us what 456 said when they were voting.”

Our brainrotted protagonist was worried for a second, but then he remembered what he had seen in an Instagram Reel around six or seven minutes ago. “Oh! He said, ‘I’ve played these games before!!!’ Duh, I was there, on god!” 

And so they believed him again, because only someone who was there would be able to say it so passionately and quickly. 

He enjoyed the aura those two displays got him for six or seven months, but as the last day of school came around, he was in trouble. He hadn’t been able to come up with anything for months, so he was getting dangerously close to being a washed influencer. He got his lucky break when another new trend swept across his school. Well, to be fair, it was actually more like a few trends—Dubai chocolate, Labubus, and matcha, all that good stuff. He didn’t really think too much of it, but once everyone started talking about it, he couldn’t ignore it anymore. 

He was scrolling through TikTok when he saw an ad for a one-of-a-kind official collab Labubu with ALL the big trends. He begged and begged his parents to buy it, and they agreed once he agreed to give up his allowance for the next three years. He just had to buy it and tell everyone. Once he got it, however, he made a severe and continuous lapse in judgment—he ate it without taking a picture or anything. However, he actually did get it this time, so he thought everyone would believe him like they did before. So, on the last day of school, everyone gathered around him one last time.

“Yo, you’re not gonna believe it, but I got a 24-karat matcha Dubai chocolate Labubu! It was really expensive, but I had it flown in from Dubai, and it was really, really bussing!” This time, however, they did not believe him.

“Dude, you know that’s not real, right?” the tall guy said, laughing so hard that he was SOBBING. 

“Hah, no way you actually thought we’d believe that bro… Wait, does this mean you were capping all those other times, too? Were you actually in the Squid Games?” the lil bro that tried to mog him last time asked, leaning in.

This time, he was about to crash out. They all knew… this was a massive aura loss… What could he say? 

“N-no! Well, I lied about Squid Games! B-but, I actually bought the Labubu. But I ate it, so I can’t show you. How can I eat something that’s not real? I’ll give you the receipt!” He stammered, unsure of how to make them believe him. 

“Okay, bro, just pack it up. We all know you’re a goofy ahh fraud,” the short king said, exchanging glances with the other NPCs.

Another guy, who was super tall like LaMelo Ball, slapped his knee as he pointed and laughed at our brainrotted hero, “Yeah, man, you’re losing so much aura right now.” 

“You have to believe me, no cap! I was lying about all the other things, but this one is for real! On god, bro!” He begged, admitting to all his previous capping. 

“Uh-huh, and I met IShowSpeed,” one of the people in the crowd piped up, sending them into uproarious laughter once again. 

Unable to take it, the brainrotted liar ran away from the lunchroom, going to the bathroom to cry on the toilet. He looked down at the pearly porcelain bowl and muttered to himself through the tears… 

“Hah… toilet… like Skibidi Toilet…” It was a sad display, but the brainrot made him feel better. Even if he didn’t have any friends, he still had his elite ball knowledge. 

When they came back to school in September, no one hung out with him anymore, and he was always known as the kid who kept capping and putting it “on god, frfr.”

“If you lie and everyone knows it, your trust will die out faster than KSI’s music career after dropping “Thick of It” (2024).”