The Hidden Corruption of the Student Union

After weeks of heated arguments over the use of the Student Union’s yearly budget and an inconclusive penultimate meeting on how to allocate the funds, last Friday’s meeting was the final opportunity for the Student Union to come to a decision before Vishwaa Sofat and William Wang claimed the money for themselves. The meeting did not go as planned.

It was a cacophony of different ideas. Budget Plan A involved allocating just enough money to fix the escalators and finally build the rails for a cafeteria balcony. It was a sensible plan, and a good portion of the cabinet was behind it. However, the support for Plan A was drowned out by incessant chanting for Plan B, which was, as usual, to allocate all the funds to building new robotics labs. After all, better robotics labs would lead to higher productivity in members and they would be more likely to have bake sales (truly the only thing the students here live for).

“I like this idea,” Principal Contreras said. “Robotics labs are cool. And honestly, escalators are overrated. I’m always taking steps to avoid them.” Ba dum tss.

“I disagree,” interjected a rando who probably didn’t even go to Stuy. “I think we should spend the money on arbitrarily repainting the Tribeca Bridge. And maybe we can embezzle the remaining funds to get a popcorn machine for the SU room or something.”

“Or even better, how about you give some money to my club and support our halal-eating adventures. Y’know, you can never have too much halal in your life,” suggested junior Chris Brown in between mouthfuls of rice and chicken.

Quite a few loud and audible “hmms” bounced through the room, and several members of the SU scratched their chins, nodding their heads along as if they were deep in thought.

“Embezzlement is bad!” said President William Wang, sporting the same $1000 J.Crew suit he wore every day. Sofat suspected that he slept in it. Wang continued, “But I know what we have to do. You guys know about ARISTA right?”

As soon as Wang said the word “ARISTA,” boos echoed through the crowd. Chants of “not a legitimate organization” started up. Wang silenced the crowd. “As long as they’re there, with their office right next door to the SU room, we’re giving them the legitimacy that they do not deserve.” The crowd cheered. “What we need is a wall separating our office from theirs, and ARISTA will pay for it! Serves them right for taking money from the poor robotics team. How do you think the robots feel when they have to survive on only a million dollars in alumni donations?”

Thunderous applause resounded through the room. An ARISTA representative spoke up. “William, uhh, I don’t think this is a proper use of...”

Wang looked at him with a confused grin. “We didn’t even give you clowns a vote in our constitution, so why are you here?” Pointing at the representative, he called to the security guards (who had taken a break from their departmentally mandated seven-hour coffee break) standing by the door, “Escort this heckler out please.”

As he was dragged away by the guards, the robotics team began to chant rhythmically, “694! 694! 694! 694!”